11 Things All Short Women Have Secretly Wished For
I am the oldest girl in my family, and by far the bossiest, so I guess in order to even out the power distribution, it happens that I am also the shortest. Being short comes with its ups and downs (mostly just literal downs, and I don't even mean that in the emotional way; we can't quite reach anything else). For instance, the universe makes up for every item of clothing I lust after that ends up looking awkward on me by letting me comfortably sit on an airplane when the guy in front of me leans back. It's a give and take relationship.
I actually don't mind being short all that much, possibly because none of my aspirations in life have required me to be any taller than I already am. When I eventually become a celebrity for perfecting the ultimate waffle-to-butter ratio (you're welcome in advance, world), I'll be joining the ranks of many famous short women who made it work for them, too. But still, there are everyday hassles that become commonplace for all short people that we wouldn't mind being able to avoid. Until that is possible, we can only patiently wait until these fantasies become a reality:
Grocery Store Shelves That Are Long And Squat
As fun as it is to glance to the left, glance to the right, and then prop your foot up on a shelf to give yourself a boost once you are sure nobody is looking, it'd be great if I could actually reach my Cheerios without looking like I'm about to yell "PARKOUR!"
The Bartender Only Looking At Your ID Once
You know, as opposed to what they usually do which is sort of look at the ID, then look at you, then squint, then look back at the ID, and so on and so forth until you've had just enough time to start digging a hole into the floor of the bar and bury yourself in it out of shame.
Another Short Person Sitting In Front Of You At A Concert Or Show
According to the Law Of Being A Short Person, every time you sit down in a place with rows, the tallest person in the room will inevitably sit in front of you. And although it's totally not their fault, it would be nice if maybe, maybe, just once you could see the entire stage and not just the half that isn't blocked by someone's head.
Heels That Are As Comfortable As Slippers
I'm sure all women who wear high heels have this fantasy, but since short people are in it for the inches, it would just be nice—on a practical level—if they didn't make our skin bleed.
Pants Would All Have Hidden Drawstrings To Change The Hem
I can count on one hand the number of times in my life when I've bought a pair of jeans that I didn't need to hem. Actually, I'm sure tall girls are similarly frustrated when their pants are too short. Magic invisible drawstrings will save us all.
Getting To Stand In The Back Row Of A Picture
"Short people up at the front!" they always say, so then you can awkwardly squat even more and every picture of you that ever hits social media looks like you're about to get into a fight with a feral animal.
Somebody Using A Word To Describe You That Can't Also Be Used For A Baby
Cute, adorable, precious, etc. I am worldly and sophisticated! LOOK AT THESE PANTY HOSE! THERE AREN'T ANY RIPS IN THEM (YET)!
Actually High-Fiving Another Human Being Successfully
For most people, it's just aim and fire, but for us it's aim up, predict trajectory, get blinded by the sun, gain some momentum, FIRE. And usually you just end up accidentally brushing fingers with your taller friends.
Someday Getting To Be The One Who Awkwardly Lifts Your Friend In The Air Mid-Hug
As fun as it is to get swept off your feet every now and then, wouldn't be nice to trying being the one who does the sweeping?
Retailers Would Start Selling Business Casual Clothing In The Children's Section
What? If they're not going to make business casual clothes that fit you in the ADULT section, then maybe it's time to start barking up a a shorter tree.
Hearing A Joke About Short People That's Actually Funny
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a good joke at my expense. But these are so recycled. Add some flavor, haters.
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