Nothing good in this world is 100% safe. Cake can make you fat, television can fry your brain, and sex can lead to some incredibly awkward and difficult-to-explain injuries that will send you into a spiral of pain, self-doubt, and confusion. Does that mean we should stop doing these things? Definitely not. Cake is delicious, Netflix is our anti-drug, and sex is...well, sex, so clearly we aren't going to cut that out anytime soon. But like all things in life, it is helpful to know the possible risks you're facing, lest you end up becoming famous enough that your co-stars tattle about that one time you broke your jaw during sex (sorry, Zac Efron).
What happened to Zac is a good lesson for all of humanity: just because it looks like he has really graceful, injury-free sex on the big screen (if you weren't awkwardly turned on in the theater during The Lucky One, you're lying) doesn't mean that he is immune to the occasionally painful hazards of sex. All of us are united by a human clumsiness that may, in fact, only be magnified by our attraction to each other. So don't be embarrassed the next time any of these common sex injuries happen to you, because you are far from alone:
1. Getting a tampon jammed "up there"
Ah, menstruation. A super annoying time when women can simultaneously be shedding the inside of their uteruses and also horny as all hell. There isn't an "Occupied" light on your vagina, so it can be easy enough to forget in the heat of the moment that your baby canal already has a passenger. If you do forget you have a tampon in and start sticking something else up in there (a penis, a dildo, fingers, etc.), it's not the end of the world: Fortunately, if you wait 10-15 minutes after you realize it happens for your vagina to get to its normal, post-arousal size, it should be easy to fish out. Otherwise, you'll have to get to a doctor.
2. Pulling a leg muscle
Just like any exercise, our bodies need a little bit of a warm up before they start gunning for it. If you have the urge to get freaky while you're getting freaky, sexperts suggest spending the first five minutes in a position where your legs are a shoulder-width apart to warm up before expanding your repertoire into potentially pulled muscle territory.
3. The condom slips into the abyss
This happens a lot more frequently than the ol' tampon disappearing act. Occasionally during sex, the condom will ghost itself, and if you don't find it immediately, you know that there is only one (okay, maybe two) place it could be. The same search and rescue routine for a lost tampon applies here: Usually you can find it yourself, but people definitely end up in the ER when they're unable to locate the errant prophylactic themselves.
4. Carpet burn
I mean, you kind of know it's happening when it's happening, so I don't know if any advice I offer on this is going to be worth anyone's while. Jennifer Wider, women's health specialist, advises washing a carpet burn with cool water and antibacterial soap to stay on the safe side.
5. Broken penis
Somehow calling it a "penile fracture" doesn't make it sound any less painful. I don't even possess a penis and I still shrivel in agony at the thought of it. But fear not, because although it has been popularized in medical shows, it's less common than you might think it would be. Still, if it does happen to you or your partner, it is classified as a medical emergency and you should seek medical attention immediately.
6. Vaginal tearing
This is a common consequence of engaging in sexual activity when the vagina is dry, and can be easily prevented by adequate foreplay or lubrication. If it does happen (womp), usually the small tears will heal quickly on their own, but if they continue to bleed for a long amount of time then you should call a healthcare provider.
7. Broken bones
Specifically fingers bent back, toes jammed, and even incidents of broken ribs. The good news is that you're usually so jacked on adrenaline when sex injuries like this happen that you don't feel the full extent of the pain right away, but that shouldn't delay you getting it fixed.
8. Slipping in the shower
Sometimes a sexy rub-a-dub-dub can turn into ugh-fucking-ugh-ugh (clever, right? *Awkward dance*). Some easy ways to prevent things going south while having a soapy sexual encounter: Make sure that you have a non-skid mat on the bottom of the shower so your feet won't skid as easily, and make sure that you are both loudly communicating your intentions over the flow of the water (SAFETY IS SEXY).
9. Back pain
This even happens to the whippersnappers, depending on how ambitious you got with the bend-and-snap routine. (Don't try to tell me someone in the world hasn't had Legally Blonde-themed sex. I need to believe in something.) Generally speaking, though, most back injuries earned during sex can be treated with an ice pack to the afflicted area, plenty of rest, and an ibuprofen.
Images: Universal Pictures; Wifflegiff (9)