17 Productive Things To Do With Your Snow Day (And By Productive We Mean Having Orgasms)

If you are anywhere in the northeastern United States right now, you are probably busy preparing for today's upcoming winter storm as if you were preparing to survive an actual apocalypse: did we buy enough batteries?! We need to get water and flashlights and road flares and medical-grade gauze! Do we have enough Doritos to last, if necessary, UNTIL THE END OF HUMAN EXISTENCE?

And it is true, winter storms wreak all kinds of havoc, from the petty (our commutes are crappy, our social plans are torpedoed) to the straight-up life-threatening (our roofs might collapse from the weight of all that snow, we need to be careful about black ice on the roads). But once you've secured yourself safe inside your home, and resigned yourself to the fact that your Monday night skeeball society is definitely not meeting, being snowed in can be kind of ... nice.

You're all tucked inside your warm, snuggly house, and yes, while you're probably still working remotely, at least you can do it while wearing your "Weird Al: Off the Deep End Tour 1993" t-shirt. This is as close to a snow day as any of us adults get, so let's all try our best to enjoy it.

Even if you are working during the blizzard, you can still fit in some adult snow day fun. Just make sure the volume on your chat messenging system is turned up in case your boss tries to get in touch with you, and go try some of the 17 activities below. (Although, honestly, your boss is also probably busy engaging in some of the 17 activities below.)

Read Something Just for You

When was the last time you were actually able to read for pleasure? Like, while not also working out on an elliptical machine? Carve out an hour on your snow day to actually read something you've been looking forward to checking out but haven't had the time to really dig into — a classic of the Western canon, some dystopian YA, a small aircraft repair manual, some dinosaur erotica ... hey, you're not on the bus, no one's going to cover-judge you.

Clean Out Your Netflix Queue

Do you add dozens of movies and new shows that you are really excited about watching to your Netflix queue each month, and then somehow just end up watching the same five episodes of New Girl over and over (mostly the one with the bathtub on the roof)?

Make today the day that you actually watch some of those shows and make a dent in your Netflix queue — or at least clear out the documentaries you're never actually going to watch.

Revel In The Fact That The Gym Is Closed

Your gym is closed for the storm, of course. You just can't work out today. Enjoy it, guilt-free.

Engage In Adult Activities

By yourself, with friends, whatever. Today is all about using whatever resources you already have on hand (ahem). And with the extra time at home that storm has afforded you and/or your boo today, perhaps you two can finally get to the bottom of that whole female ejaculation thing.

Fall Down A Wikipedia Hole

Leave your self-control in the hallway with your snow boots, and dive headfirst into the bottomless void of clickable madness that is a Wikipedia hole. A list of every unsolved death since the 1800s? Yes, please! The most massive black holes in existence? Sure, why not? People who have disappeared mysteriously? That seems useful to know! Every haunted place in the world? Don't you see? This Wikipedia hole is necessary to ensure the future safety and unhauntedness of you AND your loved ones! You'd be an idiot not to spend nine hours reading this!

Listen To Hanson's Snowed In

YouTube

Yes, it's about Christmas, not the specific act of being snowed in, but I think it's still relevant. And I mean, can you believe all these guys have like nine children and their own line of Hanson beer now? That should give you something to ponder while you dig out your car in the morning.

Cook Something Elaborate

Have complex recipes that you've been waiting to try? If you've got the ingredients on hand, today is finally the day when you'll have enough time to carmelize your onions, or prepare a quail's egg at room temperature under a full moon, or whatever the hell it is that you foodies get up to.

Eat Something Not At All Elaborate

While this is a great day to lovingly prepare an elaborate meal, it is an even better day to eat a tube of cookie dough and then feign surprise when you realize that you have eaten the whole thing.

Play Board Games From The '90s

that90sguy on YouTube

Think you know your roommate/parents/partner? You don't really, until you all play a round of the obscenely cruel '90s game Girl Talk, including all of the challenges (even the one where you have to drink water from a bowl like a dog). Personally, I think no couple should be allowed to marry without surviving a game of Girl Talk together first. Only then can you truly understand the kind of person you're committing to, and whether he or she will totally sell you out just to get another "fortune" card.

Make A Cocktail At Noon

It's five o'clock somewhere. Also, it doesn't matter what time it is anywhere, because today you can have a cocktail at noon, take a nap, and still have plenty of time to stare out the window wondering when this snow will stop coming down. The world is your oyster!

Create Homemade Cleaning Products That Are Also Science Experiments

You can combine baking soda and vinegar to make a homemade cleaning product for your bathroom that is cheap, environmentally friendly, and will totally decimate all the weird stains around the edges of your bathtub in seconds. But that's not the real reason to use it — the real reason to mix up a batch of this stuff is that the baking soda and vinegar foam up all over your tub like that volcano science project you made in the third grade. It even makes a sizzling noise! Hey, you're working with limited entertainment options here today, okay? I say, be grateful for any entertaining cleaning foam that you can find.

Convince Yourself That You're Learning The Signature Dance From A Video You Like

DanceTutorialsLIVE on YouTube

I mean, you're not. If you could dance like that, you'd be a professional dancer, not a tinker/tailor/soldier/spy/whatever it is that you actually do for work. And when you try to do this dance in public, no one will have any idea what you're trying to do, and will just think you're grooving around. But today is a day to enjoy your self-delusion. Dive deep into it, imagining a universe where you bust these moves out at some company party to the startled, impressed gasps of your coworkers (instead of the real universe, where your coworkers are gasping because you look like you're doing the Elaine dance).

Whittle Down Your Closet

You have some terrible clothing. I don't mean that as an insult — we all have terrible clothing, for a wide variety of reasons that run the gamut from "believing Vogue when they said wide-leg trousers were a flattering look on any body type" to "going into a Forever 21 while drunk." No matter what, there's room for editing in your closet.

I'm not harsh enough to say throw out anything you haven't worn in a year, so just take today to cull anything that you always kinda knew was a mistake or that you bought in the wrong size because it was a "great deal." Throw it all in a garbage bag, and plan to haul it over to the Goodwill or your local thrift shop after the ice melts.

Refuse To Wear Pants

Who's going to make you? Your boss? Your mom? Those fat cats in Washington? Not today, mothertruckers! Hey, it's productive. Trust me.

Memorize Something Pointless

The "Ezekiel 25:17" monologue from Pulp Fiction. All of the state capitals. The lyrics to "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind. Devote today to learning something totally useless that will help you win at bar trivia somewhere down the road.

Try On All The Random Beauty Products You Never Use

Like that neon coral lipstick that you impulse bought, or the very expensive face mask made of pressed orchids, squid ink, and good vibes that you were always kind of afraid to try out. A snow day is an opportunity for self-exploration, right?

Experience The Wonder And Majesty Of Nature

Ha ha, just kidding. Stay indoors, you maniac! It's totally awful out there.

Images: Fotolia; Giphy (18)