Curious ladies and gents, the time is finally upon us: Fifty Shades of Grey is opening in theaters this weekend. It's not just your average Saturday night at the movies either. This bad boy is hitting the big screen just before Valentine's Day, so it's not just a premiere, it's an event. The scintillating tale of a lusty "romance" between Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey has completely captivated everyone from your next door neighbor with the weird dolls in the window to your trainer at the gym — in fact, there's no real "type" of Fifty Shades fan because everyone is talking about it. And, sorry snarky Tweeters of the world, the movie actually got solid reviews from critics, so we're all totally justified in our desire to go see it right this second.
What's not to be intrigued by? The plot literally follows a handsome — excuse me — inexplicably handsome fella, and a gorgeous woman engaging in the kind of stuff most of us are too embarrassed to ever open up about! It's about time we got our freak on, in a classy, socially acceptable way. This is a movie made for real people with real fantasies who just want to have a sexy escape. And, really, is there any better treat on Valentine's Day than steamy escapism? (No, no there is not.)
So, while you're battling the crowds this weekend for the seat with the best view — which I'm guessing is all of them — here are all of the people you're going to see this weekend at Fifty Shades of Grey:
The Drunk Group of BFFs
They'll probably interrupt the movie 15 times, but their commentary will probably be hilarious.
The Bachelorette Party
Like the previous group, but with more "woo"-ing.
The Embarrassed Boyfriend
Oh, they'll be there. In spades.
The Confident, Secure Boyfriend
Hey, he's probably going to have some pretty great sex afterwards. Kudos.
The Person Clutching Their Copy of the Book
I get it, you need something to control yourself with.
The Poorly-Planned Mother/Daughter Date
If they're anything like Lorelai and Rory, they may resemble the aforementioned drunk group of BFFs.
The Guy Who Looks Like Jamie Dornan
Nice try, bro.
The Group of Single Dudes Who Are Going To Pick up Chicks
Yeah, everyone wants Christian Grey — sorry.
The Grannies You Hope to Be Someday
They're just as excited, if not more, and you find this incredibly inspiring.
The Eye-Rolling Friend
She's only going because she, "didn't want to be left out" and thinks the movie is just, "smut fluff." (Secretly she's loving every minute of it.)
The Questionable Loner
WHY ARE YOU HERE AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING A BASEBALL HAT?
The Obsessed Fan
Probably wearing a Fifty Shades t-shirt with bondage straps over top of it. It's a look...I guess?
C'mon, you know you're gonna go. NO SHAME!
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