Are you tortured by ill-fitting jeans? Do red marks, gaping zippers, torn seams, and terrible silhouettes terrorize your days? All you want to do is learn how to find the perfect jeans, but you can't stop populating your closet with punishment pants. Before you can find the best jeans ever, you have to part ways with what is not working. Life is about growth and change! Included under that spiritual umbrella is (obviously) the evolution cycle of what cut of denim looks good on you.
Your favorite jeans from junior high won't do the trick now that you have a 26-year-old woman's thighs. The skinny jeans you bought for your early 20s Vegas trip aren't as comfortable as you remember them being. None of these changes are bad! It's all about working your assets so your assets shine.
Whether you look best in stick straight styles, curvy cuts, skin-tight leggings, or plus size jeans, learn the signs of when they ain't fittin' right. Sometimes you just need to toss those babies back into the wild. All online stores offer a jeans size chart that will provide the proper size based on a few simple measurements. When you're ready to restock, please do so wisely. Before that: Honestly assess the pants in your life. Have any turned into toxic relationships? Be brave, little mama. Be fearless, and if any of these 12 signs resonate in your soul, it's time to move on.
1. They Give You Pucker Butt
Sweetheart, you have a glorious ass. Please do not do it the disservice of wearing denim that clings upward and inward. Have an honest look in the mirror and if a Nacho Libre moment happens: burn. the. pants.
2. They're Too Damn Short
Cropped jeans with heels are so sexy! Pants that are too short with any kind of shoes? Super bummer. If they're not cropped to the ankle or else fail to cover your heel, leave them in the dust.
3. They've Got a Mutinous Zipper
So. Close. Almost. There. Is just too far away. If it takes more than three exhales to get the zipper to close, pass them on to your little cousin.
4. They're Sloppily Big
Having a little boyfriend swagger in your jeans is super cute. But if you can pull your pants right off, no zipper required, they're probably a bit too big, honey.
5. You've Got Crotch Creases
Diagonal tension marks radiating from the crotch of your denim is never a good sign. Please let them go.
6. They're Baggy In The Knees
There is nothing more sad (nothing!) than skinny jeans with baggy knees. The waist fits perfectly, the color is divine, but it looks like you're packing pumpkins down there. I know. It's hard. You're gonna have to retire them.
7. You Have to Adjust And Wiggle. A lot.
Constantly pulling up the waist band of your pants is no fun! It means either the inseam is too short, or the waist is a tad too small. Just ease up in size and glide through the world tug-free.
8. They Balloon In The Front Or Rear
Rounded and soft is a stunning body shape. It is not, however, all that fabulous for the pelvis area of your pants. You're out to run the world, not a PTA group from 1983. Sorry, mom.
9. Your Seams Are About To Burst
I have had the backside of my pants rip out in one sweet booty floor dropping move. Split from here to heaven. For the love of God, learn from my mistake. Don't wear your pants so tight the seams rip out.
10. They've Got A Rolling Waistband
Ugh. So uncomfortable. We shouldn't even be having this talk. You're a smart woman and deserve to be comfortable. Get those stomach punishing pants out of your life immediately.
11. Tight Thighs + Saggy Crotch
This is a common problem in skinny jeans land. The thighs fit, but the waistband and bum areas are a bit too large. Even if they make your legs look a mile long, you don't want it to look like you have room for a baby kangaroo.
10. Your Pants Are From Junior High
It's time to move on.
11. They Give You Red Marks
Tight pants are hot and awesome. Our nation was built on tight pants. However, if you've gone beyond tight and passed into the stage where the seams leave lasting skin welts, give the pants to someone you hate.
12. The Zipper Won't Stay Up On Its Own
Okay, you can get them on. And they zip, mostly. But no matter what you do, that sucker just keeps sneaking down. Goodbye, cruel pants, goodbye.
Once you find a brand, style, and size that work for you, care for them as you would a precious jewel. The perfect jeans are hard to find. In closing, trust Bieber for fashion and philosophy.
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