Attention all short-story authors with writer's block: I have found a foolproof solution to your problem. You may think you have tapped your brain and told every story you could ever tell, but before you despair the death of your writing career, you need to read this Craigslist missed connection about a woman looking for someone who vomited in her vagina. First off, yes, you read that right. WTF is going on in Athens, Georgia, that these kind of shenanigans not only happen, but get posted on the interwebs? But you need to know that as life-scarring as the mystery of the Vagina Vomiter is, the story gets even more complicated with every sentence of the ad. Here's the full text:
You threw up in my vagina — w4m — 26 (Outside Arby's)
we met and hooked up after the bluegrass show at the house where the black gay guy lives with 3 white guys. you threw up in my vagina. I'm trying to find you for weeks. My sister wants to talk to you.
Honestly this is more of an emotional roller coaster than Zayn Malik leaving the One Direction tour. First, how does one throw up in another person's vagina? This is obviously super gross, but now that this strange woman has burned the image into my brain forever, I need answers. Was it food poisoning–related? Was it the flu? Was he contagious? Was there just something really vomit-inducing about her particular vagina? Was she being body-shamed?!
Also, this is so bizarrely specific that if any of these people are real, it should only be a matter of time before we figure out who these people throwing rad in-house bluegrass shows in Athens are. Even if we do, though, would it help us to understand why exactly the vaginal vomit victim's sister wants to talk to our mystery dude? Is he a serial vagina vomiter? Has she been burned, too?
Back to my original point: One of us needs to take one for the team and write this story, or at the very least a decent fan fiction of it. If somebody out there wrote an erotic story about Microsoft Office's Clippy, then there is room on the Internet for this! And then, once the story is written, we can make a movie out of it. I'm projecting a wide theatrical release no later than 2017. As devastatingly awkward as this tale will be, I feel very confident when I say that it will, at the very least, make a hell of a late more sense than Fifty Shades of Grey.
God help us all.
Images: NBC; Giphy (2)
