What You Only Learn About Sex After You Have It

You know when you go to one of those pre-college acceptance days, in which they try and prepare you for what it’s going to be like, but everyone leaves out the part where you have to wear flip-flops in the communal shower because girls leave used tampons on the ground which has resulted in a rampant case of foot warts in the entire dorm? Well, same goes for sex expectations. You shouldn't learn about sex from porn, because chances are, it's been lying to you.

The reality is, sex is a wild adventure that changes drastically with age and different partners. Your feelings about sex can fluctuate in both good and bad ways as you move along. And check this, in a recent study, women aged 30 and up reported having more orgasms than any other age group. Because practice makes perfect, duh. Nothing I say is going to fully prepare you for your unique, exciting, awkward, or mind-blowing first sexual experience, but here are some things to lookout for as you become the little sexpert that you are. Consider it a gift.

1. What You've Seen In Porn Isn't Real

This may come as a surprise to some folks (bless the hearts of every pre-teen reading this), but porn is pretty damn fake. The screaming orgasm, the pizza guy-housewife scenario, even women’s labias are often digitally altered to appear smaller. If you’re going to take notes from porn, maybe jot down a position or two, but please, don’t base your sex life around what you’re seeing on your brother’s computer.

2. The Places They Have Sex In Movies Aren’t Easy, Sexy or Safe

Like a car, for example? No. The armrest jutting into your back, the seats that won’t recline all the way, the cops shining their flashlights in your windows, getting arrested in front of your grandmother’s house. No. Or a counter top? Forget it. Unless you’ve been blessed with a partner who’s crotch matches up seamlessly with yours, the countertop is a huge disappointment. Arguably, the biggest disappointment of all. Even bigger than the reveal of who Gossip Girl actually is.

3. You Might Be Into Freakier Stuff Than You Thought

One thing porn is good for, is figuring out what turns you on. But if you haven’t watched much porn in your lifetime, you might not learn about your buried fetishes until you’re actually in the sheets. Which brings me to my next point…

4. The Key To Awesome Sex Is ... Talking!

No, this is not an abstinence-only campaign in which I flip the switch and say “You should be having a conversation instead of sinning your life away, you dirty, dirty child.” What I mean is, communicating with your partner about what you do and don’t like will make your sex lives better. Think of it like a group project (minus that one dude who shows up stoned on presentation day with zero work done). If your partner does some crazy magical thing with their tongue and you’re like “I SEE THE LIGHT!” tell them to do it again! And again. And again.

5. Your Body Is A Strange, Strange Place

Especially post-orgasm. Your body can do all kinds of weird stuff during sex. Fluids might be shooting out of random places, your legs might spasm like you’re being electrocuted, even your vulva can swell to twice it’s original size. But all of this is normal. If you’re in pain, slow it down or stop completely, but otherwise, your body is going to change. Because, well, your life just changed. You just had an orgasm. Boom.

Images: Universal Studios Entertainment; Tumblr