15 Shakespearean Insults To Bring Back Into Everyday Smack Talk

It isn't always easy to find the right words. We weren't all born in Capeside or Stars Hollow, where children like Dawson and Rory are born with an elevated vocabulary and a predisposition for quick wit. Most of us stumble through life, barely able to complete a sentence without sounding foolish. What should you say to break the ice when you meet someone new? What exactly is a a good pick up line, if such a thing exists? How do you cheer someone up with your words? It is never easy to find the perfect thing to say.

But the world is a cruel place filled with wicked tongues, so when it comes to insults, you should have an arsenal ready. Nothing is more frustrating than getting burned by someone when you can't find a comeback quick enough. Who better to learn from than one of the greatest wordsmiths in the English language, William Shakespeare. We can thank Shakespeare, whose birthday (and deathday) is celebrated on April 23 for many of our commonly used expressions — from "what's done is done" to "kill them with kindness" — so it would only make sense to turn to his work to brush up on our zingers.

The next time you find yourself short of words when your frenemy has a clever quip or your work wife gets sassy with you, or when you just need to tell someone off for their obnoxious behavior, turn to the Bard of Avon himself for the perfect comeback:

When someone in line at the coffee shop eyeballs the sweatpants and slippers you're trying to pull off as real clothes...

"Villian, I have done thy mother."

When your roommate returns your copy of Hamlet covered in potato chip residue...

"Thou art unfit for any place but hell."

When the announcer on the train lets you know you're being delayed because of a sick passenger, and to "please be patient", which sounds like an insult in itself...

"Thou art a boil. A plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood."

When you visit your parent's house, and your mom judges the amount of snacking you do...

"Peace, ye fat guts."

When your phone won't stop buzzing from your friends who won't stop texting you in an effort to guilt trip you into going out tonight...

"Away, you three inch fool."

When your BFF tells you something you really don't want to (but really need to) hear...

"You, minion, are too saucy."

When anyone, ever, says "I told you so"...

"You scullion. You rampallian. You fustilarian. I’ll tickle your catastrophe."

When you're cranky and your dad asks if your Aunt Flo is in town...

"Men from children nothing differ."

When your roommie uses the last of the condoms, but leaves the empty box in the cabinet ...

"Have you no modesty, no maiden shame, no touch of bashfulness?"

When your work frenemy passive aggressively compliments your outfit...

"Pray you, stand farther from me."

When you run into someone from high school, and they say you haven't changed a bit...

"If thou art changed to aught, tis to an ass."

When someone explains to you why they don't believe in feminism...

"On my knee I give heaven thanks that I am not like to thee."

When your coworker asks "Who's that?" when they see the framed picture of RBG hanging in your cubicle...

"Out, dunghill."

When someone tries to tell you that Broad City doesn't live up to the hype...

"You talk greasily, your lips grow foul."

When your boyfriend watches last night's episode without you...

"You egg, you fry of treachery."

Images: Giphy (6)