We're all running around looking for true love — going on endless blind dates, fine-tuning our dating profiles, cruising Tinder during the boring parts of our nephew's bris — but what if the love we seek has actually been under our nose all along, in a big plastic Seamless bag? What if, in classic romantic comedy tradition, the greatest love of your life has been there the whole time, lifting you up when you felt down, making you feel centered when the world spun out of control, delivering tostadas to your front door in a timely fashion? I speak, of course, of food delivery site Seamless. But Seamless is more than just the website that keeps you from starving to death. Seamless is your actual boyfriend.
Oh, don't look all fake surprised at me. I've watched you two together — the long, lingering glances; the way Seamless always just seemed to "know" when you felt lonely and hungry and needed to eat enough calzones to make the outside world go away. The rest of us finally saw Seamless for who it really was when Seamless took off its glasses, took its hair out of a bun, and went on to become prom queen in a surprise, last-second upset. But...you. You knew all along.
But after all you've both been through — the secrets told, the late night rendezvous, that one evening when you ran out sobbing into the pouring rain because the delivery guy was ringing your neighbor's doorbell — are you still not sure where you two stand? Read on and find out if you and Seamless are more than "just friends."
Shut up, just shut up. You had me at "Reorder now."
1. You Trust Seamless With Your Secrets
Do your friends down at the gym think you're a paleo gluten-free flexatarian who only eats locally sourced chicken? Are you actually a deep fried things-aterian who regularly orders a pizza that is somehow also a taco? If you're not ready to tell them, Seamless will keep your secret for you.
I mean, Seamless doesn't encourage you to keep secrets — Seamless thinks you should be proud of yourself, and possibly post the details of your most recent order on social media. But Seamless also understands that being true to yourself is a process, a process that takes time. And until you're ready, Seamless will keep your ground-beef-and-nacho-cheese pizza information to itself...out of love.
2. Seamless Makes You Forget Your Past
Long ago, there was someone else...someone else who came to your house and brought some kind of food. Only one kind of food. Back then, you thought that was what you had to accept, that that was all you deserved. God, you're so much wiser now. Who was that? Honestly, you're so over it, the details are all pretty fuzzy now.
3. Seamless Is Always Truthful
Seamless says when it's going to come over, and that is when it comes over. It never cancels at the last second. It never blows you off for band practice. It never tells you that it ran into some old college friends and just got caught up in things and "forgot" to text you. Oh, since when do your old college friends REEK OF "MISS DIOR" PERFUME? WHICH COLLEGE FRIEND WAS THAT? WAS IT STEVE? Seamless would never treat you like that, baby.
4. Seamless Never Pushes You To Do Things That Make You Uncomfortable
Seamless understands and respects your boundaries at all times. Do those boundaries include "never talking to anyone ever" and "refusing to make eye contact with other human beings"? Seamless is on it, because Seamless is confident in itself. It doesn't need to push you to do something weird that you don't like, just because it is bored or read about it on Vice or something. Seamless just wants you to feel emotionally comfortable enough to really enjoy this reuben sandwich.
5. You Look Forward To Trying New Things Together
Look at all those little "new" stamps on the menu page! Seamless knows you have only one life, and you want to live it to the fullest. So Seamless helps you live your best life now, by encouraging you to order thrilling new Thai food from a new place, instead of Thai food from the usual Thai place that is three blocks closer to you. Three blocks! I mean, that's practically another neighborhood. Seamless loves when you guys explore together and discover new things, because that's the building block of something lasting, something real.
6. You Want Seamless To Meet Your Friends
Seamless is always looking for new ways to incorporate your friends into your shared life together — by giving them referral discounts, by allowing you to switch up your order and get extra garlic naan if you invite some people over, whatever. Seamless understands that these people aren't just acquaintances — they're a very important part of your world, and Seamless is eager to get to know them. And maybe even become friends with them, too (or, at the very least, save their credit card information and sushi preferences).
7. You're Always In Touch
Seamless is always thinking of you during its busy day — keeping in touch whether you're at your desk or on your phone, sending you order updates no matter how swamped it gets with work. Sometimes Seamless even emails you about new restaurants in your neighborhood that you might want to try, based on the other restaurants that you have previously enjoyed. It's this little in-joke thing that you have.
8. Your Love Is Judgment-Free
Your forgive each other's failings, and hold back on commenting on each other's small weaknesses, because you understand that true commitment means supporting each other unconditionally. Have you ordered Indian food 19 times this week, which doesn't even seem mathematically possible? Seamless doesn't care. Did Seamless forget to bring you any forks for your lo mein, and instead brought 11 plastic knives? Hey, we all have off days. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not mention how much queso you seem to be eating lately.
9. You Always Feel Welcome Around Seamless
Literally, Seamless is always saying "Welcome" to you. Never "Come back later, I'm kicking major ass on Red Dead Redemption right now," or "I'm studying for a big test and can't have you distracting me" or "I had a lot of fun this weekend, but technically, I'm actually still married." None of that, just "welcome," and an offer to stuff something with negligible nutritional value in your snack hole. And if that isn't the real essence of love, I don't want to know what is.