9 Things People Who Love Starbucks Are Tired Of Hearing, Because I Really Need You To Back Off And Respect My Journey
Newsflash, everyone on earth: The lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Blank Space" don't sound anything like "Starbucks lovers". You are not hearing those words because they sound similar. You are hearing them because you are obsessed with Starbucks, and trying to hide the obsession has manifested into the most global and ridiculous misheard lyric fiasco since Bob Dylan first started getting old. Just accept the lyrics, and accept your diehard coffee addiction, so we all can move on with our human lives.
I'm not going to pretend to be as hardcore as some of y'all when it comes to Starbucks. Really, in the grand scheme of things, my obsession has been very short. My mom gave me a gift card for Valentine's Day on account of feeling bad that I'm probably gonna die alone (YAY pity gifts!), and thus began my downward spiral into the underbelly of the world's largest coffee chain. Guys. Guys. Frappuccinos are delicious. I totally get it now, and I've embraced my sugar-laden, caffeinated, ice-cream-disguising-as-coffee destiny.
That being said, now that I have joined your ranks, Starbucks lovers, I notice that people have some rather unfair notions about the establishment and the people who buy stuff there. Here are a "long list Starbucks lovers" could go without hearing for awhile:
"You like Starbucks? That's so basic."
First off, don't move. You stay right there, champ, while I go find the keys to the TIME MACHINE you parked a few blocks away so we can put you back in August 2014 where you belong. In case you haven't heard, the word basic is dead, and it has been for like 600 years in internet time.
Second off, what is the real argument here? "Ha, you like a culturally well-known thing that a lot of other people like. Suck it." I bet you were a real standout on the debate team in high school, huh?
"All that caffeine is bad for you."
I am the master of my own caffeinated destiny. I decide when I've had enough. Also, coffee has been shown to reduce your risk of multiple sclerosis, protect against liver cancer, and reduce stress, so I'm going to live forever. I'll bring my full fat S'mores frap with extra whip to your funeral.
"Do you know how much money you would save if you didn't buy Starbucks so often?"
Look, bro, you're going to have to put your money where your mouth is on that one. I'm not spending four dollars on this froofy drink to make myself happy. I'm spending four dollars on this drink so I don't kill everyone dead with my un-caffeinated side eye during my morning commute. I'm really spending this money for the good of mankind, but no, go ahead, lecture me in personal finance some more.
"The coffee is better at [insert insufferable hipstery place here]."
Guys, nobody goes to Starbucks because they respect coffee. We go to Starbucks because of Starbucks, or because we want to bang the hot barista. Your lecture about the organic denim-ceilinged chia seed-infested place down the street is futile here.
"That stuff isn't even real coffee."
Maybe not, but it is real good. Besides, what is "real"? Am I real? Are you real? That's right. Go stew in your existential crisis and leave me and my kind-of-coffee alone.
"You're following the Pumpkin Spice Latte on Twitter? Ew, get a life."
Hell yeah I'm following this tiny American hero on Twitter. Maybe if you were also adorable, delicious, and seasonably fashionable, I'd be following you on Twitter, too. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
"Ugh, can't we go somewhere else for coffee/lunch/3PM dead inside slump?"
Sure! You can. #ByeFelicia.
"Starbucks is trying to take over the world."
Oh, sweet precious honey dove pancake elbow, trust me on this: They already have. Last year there were 21,414 Starbucks stores in existence. At any given street in New York I can get to one in thirty seconds or less. Also, I went to the mothership—er, flagship—Starbucks store in Seattle a few months ago, and yeah, there's totally an underground dungeon where the PSL is leading a revolution to overthrow all the world's governments and unite them under a caffeinocracy. (Sorry. There was probably a gentler way to break that.)
"You know they spell people's names wrong on purpose."
Get over it, Blartney.
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