If These 8 Presidential Candidates Were Doughnuts, Bernie Sanders Would Definitely Be A Cinnamon Twist
This past week was marked by two important moments: Growing excitement over the 2016 presidential race, which saw three new candidates last week alone, and Friday's National Doughnut Day. The two items just beg for an answer to everyone's burning question (or is it just me?); What kind of doughnut each presidential candidate would be.
The doughnut is an institution that precedes politics or even America's birth as a country. Archaeologists have found fossilized pieces of what appears to be doughnuts in prehistoric Native American settlements, according to the Smithsonian. It's fitting that the first doughnuts were undeniably American. We make 10 billion doughnuts every year, according to USA Today, and there are 8,082 Dunkin' Donuts stores and 280 Krispy Kreme stores in America. Because doughnuts are clearly an important food to the nation, they deserve to be a factor in politics.
Such an analysis requires the use of both trusted reporters' months-long coverage and the entire Krispy Kreme menu. I've scientifically broken down each donut flavor and cross-listed it with candidates based on policy, history, physical appearance, and mannerisms. We hypothesize that this will serve voters more than any poll, chart, or article. This data should help the American public go with its gut in determining who to vote for next November.
Rubio would be proud to know he tests out as an apple fritter, the apple pie equivalent in the doughnut world. This candidate mentions America and his patriotism all the time. Some analysts suspected that Rubio would take the Latino vote, but the Republican alienated them with his views on immigration and Cuba relations.
Bernie Sanders is obviously a cinnamon twist because of his ability to twist out of the uncomfortable moment concerning his 1972 article on rape. Sanders has since distanced himself from the satirical essay.
Lindsey Graham is a dish at some South Carolina diner that consists of a cheeseburger with two doughnuts as the bun. You order it and think, "Do I really need all that?" That said, the Republican probably thinks that doughnuts are frivolous and prefers a big slab of beef.
Huckabee has to be a powdered doughnut. White and insubstantial, this doughnut makes you wonder if it was worth the calories. It's a mess to clean up after and is probably the official breakfast food of Fox News.
O'Malley is definitely a jelly-filled doughnut. On the outside, he looks like every other politician. However, inside, he's filled with a delicious record on women's rights issues.
George Pataki is Krispy Kreme's New York cheesecake doughnut. The former New York governor loves to reference New York City as a symbol of resilience. His handling of 9/11 is the foundation of his campaign, and we wouldn't be surprised if his diet for the next few months consisted only of cheesecake, big apples, and New York City pizza.
The only scrumptious dessert to describe Paul is a doughnut hole. This is because when you think of a doughnut hole, you automatically think of its parent, the full doughnut. If you just said you wanted to eat a hole, no one would know what you were talking about. You have to reference the doughnut hole's ancestor to know what it is.
Clinton, of course, is a cronut. Hailing from New York, this decadent treat is trendy and substantial, drawing many parallels with Clinton. Like the cronut, Clinton can be many things at once: candidate, policymaker, mother, and leader.
With all of this new information, the election is sure to have some delicious turns.
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