'Showgirls' Is On Netflix, So Relive The Legend

Ever since I started these bad movie rewatches, I've had a short list of mythically awful films that just haven't been readily streamable. You can lampoon a thousand movies featuring musical numbers, misguided princesses, and Hilary Duff, and still not be satiated until you find a movie worthy of your satirical talents, you know? But I'm pleased to announce I've finally met my white whale. Yes, friends, I watched Showgirls on Netflix for my weekly bad movie rewatch.

Here's the thing: if you're a millennial, you definitely know that Showgirls is in the upper echelon of incredulous films, but you've plausible never seen it. Unless you've actively sought it out on the Internet or caught an edited late night version on TV many years ago, I doubt you've seen the 20-year-old NC-17 flick. Rather, you've probably just heard of a plot that involves Jessie Spano tossing her clothes off as she tries to reach for stardom while exploring Las Vegas's underbelly. Bye, childhood, it was fun while it lasted.

I'll be honest, bad as the film is, it's not for the weak of heart, and I'm watching this mainly so you never have to... although if you want to, please, watch along. But otherwise join me, friends, as we explore the NSFW (but still censored appropriately) playground. In chronological order, this is all the ridiculousness from the movie, the myth, and the legend, Showgirls.

1. Nomi gets picked up by a guy in a pickup truck and they instantly bond, via knifepoint, over their uniquely terrible hairstyles.

It's always a bad thing when I can describe someone's hairdo as "Cullen-esque."

2. Nomi decides that, IDK, maybe leaving your suitcase with a stranger is a bad idea, so she decides to go play in traffic for a while.

Rational girl, this one.

3. Nomi has good nails.

"Good" = "front page of Pinterest fails," but hey, it's riveting character development.

4. Cristal Connors shows up and she's looks like she's covered in about three pounds of Tinkerbell's dandruff.

She insults Nomi for her side gig as an exotic dancer — but, like, all she does is cover up blatant nudity with glitter.

5. Then Nomi goes to the Crave Club, to have what I can only assume is a full body seizure.

"It's no dancing. I know that."

6. Cristal then shows up at Nomi's strip club, to prove a point about... something.

Nomi's all like, "You dissed me for taking off my clothes for money, but now I'll teach you a lesson by taking off my clothes for money."

Cristal, who takes off her clothes for money, is all like, "Damn, she showed me."

7. I guess this is sexy?

I'm not even really sure how?

8. Not an isolated incident, just a snapshot of Nomi's casual day-to-day wear.

Sometimes she gets really crazy and goes sans magenta push-up bra.

9. Nomi, after being told she's too good for stripping by this one guy who keeps following her around, performs a lap dance for him.

I don't even know if the movie is supposed to be pro-stripping or anti-stripping or what. I'm definitely sure it's supposed to be anti-quality.

10. "Nice dress." "Thanks. l bought it at Ver-sayce"

...omg.

11. Random monkey appearance.

12. "I've had dog food. Doggy chow. I used to love Doggy chow."

"I used to love Doggy Chow too."

Great to see some female bonding in this film.

13. After immediately pouring two glasses of champagne, the girls abruptly abandon their glasses with nary a sip, and in an incredibly misogynistic and uniquely lowbrow movie, it's the most horrific thing of all.

Leave no alcohol behind.

14. If you squint hard here, Cristal kind of looks like Audrey Horne from Twin Peaks.

And Kyle MacLachlan, who actually appeared in Twin Peaks, looks like your emo boyfriend circa prom night 2007. That was Vegas-themed, too, come to think of it.

15. One of the girls sabotages the understudy by conspicuously throwing marbles.

The girl goes flying like, "OMG, nooooooo."

And the other girl prances jubilantly like, "haha, b**ch, now what?

16. This touching scene when Nomi's creepy boss visits her.

Such an emotional moment, display your wide range, Elizabeth Berkley.

Show how you've developed into a beautiful swan worthy of respect from the highest caliber of men, really sell it for the Oscar reel.

"Must be weird, not having anyone come on you."

17. Nomi enjoys some casual pool sex and manages to keep on a full face of makeup.

In fact, she managed to keep it on into the next day, which leads me to believe she tattooed her lip liner.

18. Nomi's friend tells her that he got her stripper friend pregnant, they're engaged, he's getting a job at a supermarket, and he's sorry that things got so complicated between them.

Nomi looks at him like, "This is literally the fifth interaction we've ever had."

19. 50 Shades of Why.

How is this more dignified than her other gig, again?

21. Finally Nomi gets her dream job as the lead dancer, and she's all, "I am a golden goddess, radiant in all my long-limbed splendor! Nobody can stop me now! This is a great career move! THIS IS A GREAT CAREER MOVE!"

Spoiler: it's not a great career move.

22. "I could fall in love with you."

Again, literally their fifth interaction.

23. Also, two seconds later, he outs her as being a several-times-arrested former hooker struggling with addiction, and blackmails her if she goes to the police about her friend's rape.

So you know, that.

24. Nomi paints her ass-kicking nails.

Still the most definitive aspect of her multi-faceted personality.

25. And to show real character development, we see Nomi is a shirt that actually covers her midriff.

It's plastic and tiger print, but it's a start.

...ugh, never mind.

Images: Netflix/United Artists (39)