It seems appropriate that Madonna should drop the highly-anticipated "Bitch I'm Madonna" music video for the hit single on Hump Day given how much, well, humping takes place during the three-plus minutes. (Objects sighted being pelvically assaulted include: people, walls, balloons, sock puppets.) The video for the third single from the Queen of Pop's upcoming thirteenth (!!) solo album, Rebel Heart, debuted this Wednesday morning on Tidal, Jay Z's nascent streaming service (of which Madonna is part-owner)... and, as promised, it's positively jam-packed with celebrity cameos.
In what's clearly an homage to Taylor Swift's equally star-studded video for "Bad Blood," Madonna has filled every room of her raging house party with famous faces. These guest stars range from fabulous (oh hey, Queen Bey) to fabulously random (who invited Chris Rock?). Of course, there are plenty of other things to enjoy about "Bitch I'm Madonna" — I wonder what the glitter budget for this music video was — but, sometimes, the sheer amount of neon clothing and taped nipples can distract from the blink-and-you'll-miss-'em celebrity sightings.
Feel like you missed a few of the more fleeting appearances? Wondering who that adorable dancing kid is? Too hypnotized by Madonna's hot pink hair and leopard-print miniskirt to pay attention to anything else? Here's your handy guide to all of the video's many cameos.
1. Rita Ora
The British songstress is the first of the video's many famous faces. Initially, her lip-syncing of the titular phrase is perplexing (um, no you're not Madonna, don't try to trick me), but then it becomes clear that other people claiming to be Madonna is sort of this music video's "thing."
2. Chris Rock
Case in point. I don't think anyone would confuse Chris Rock for the Queen of Pop, but Madonna's X-Men power appears to be invading people's minds while she crawls past them on the floor.
3. The Cast of Avenue Q
Just kidding. But come on — how adorable are these little guys? (Me and the one with a whole pizza in its mouth have an embarrassing amount in common right now.)
4. Jon Kortajarena
This Spanish model also appeared in the music video for Madonna's 2012 single "Girl Gone Wild." Apparently, he wasn't getting drunk fast enough.
5. Miley Cyrus
Keepin' it classy, as always.
6. Alexander Wang
Is the famous fashion designer giving anyone else traumatizing flashbacks to this dude? Just me? (I clearly need to take a break from my Twin Peaks binging.)
Fun fact: this DJ/rapper/producer (who co-wrote the song) derived his pseudonym from the Diplodocus , a sauropod that lived during the Jurassic period. Someone get on that inevitable "Bitch I'm Madonna"/Jurassic World crossover, STAT. ("Bitch I'm Indominus?")
8. Rocco Ritchie
Madonna's eldest son, 14 year old Rocco, appears alongside his mom's producer. Watching him lip-sync "bitch, I'm Madonna" is giving me some major freudian undertones.
Queen Bey is so flawless, she makes it look like voguing was her idea.
10. Katy Perry
Celebrity-filled music video? Raging party? Hot pink outfit? It's like Last Friday Night, Part Two. (Minus the head gear, natch.)
11. David Banda Mwale Ciccone Ritchie
Madonna's younger son, 8 year old David (whom she adopted from Malawi in 2006), is seen here busting some sick moves. He also apparently escaped from the Island of Misfit Toys.
12. Kanye West
Kanye: "Imma let you finish, but first — AAHHH!!!"
13. Nicki Minaj
The track's guest vocalist finally makes an appearance... on a TV screen. Could Nicki not even be bothered to come to set to film her featured rap? At least the music video as a whole is an interesting ride — a very, very interesting ride that only Madonna could take us all on.
Check out the video below.
Image: Tidal (14)