During a particularly dramatic season of The Bachelorette, it's comforting to know that we have the Bachelor in Paradise Season 2 match-ups to look forward to. Sure, there's still drama with that show, but in a more fun way. Everyone is sleeping on cots, there are no weird sex rules, and I'm pretty sure the faucets only pour tequila. Bachelor in Paradise is just a nice little vacation where people occasionally get voted out because they're unable to form a connection with a person of the opposite sex in 12 hours. And, then they're helpfully replaced by another hot cast member. Surely, this is paradise!
When the cast for Season 2 of Bachelor in Paradise was finally announced, it raised as many questions as it answered (the main answer of course being, YES, ASHLEY S. WILL BE THERE) because several of the male spots were reserved for eliminated men from the current Bachelorette season, leaving us to speculate wildly who those contestants would be. While we don't yet know which of Kaitlyn's remaining men will join Paradise, there's only one thing left to do when faced with a group of people we barely remember and a slew of question marks: Match 'em up!
1. Dan Cox and Jillian Anderson
I know that Dan Cox is from Des' season of The Bachelorette and that is about the extent of my knowledge about Dan Cox. He didn't make it far enough with Des for us to learn too much else about him, but a quick look at his Instagram will tell you that he's totally jacked. You know who else is totally jacked? The woman with the permanent censor bar over her butt from Chris Soules' season, Jillian Anderson. Sure, being mutually muscular isn't much, but on Bachelor in Paradise, that's about all it takes.
2. Kirk Dewindt and Tenley Mohizan
I want the best for Tenley, who has been ripped around by the Bachelor franchise and Jake Pavelka alike, and I don't know if "the best" equals Kirk from Ali's season, but they at least have multiple trips to Bachelor-ville in common (RIP Bachelor Pad), are of simlar ages, and therefore, perhaps similar maturity levels.
3. Mikey Tenerelli and Jade Roper
These are my confessions: Despite the weird conversation with James, I loved Mikey T. when he was on The Bachelorette, and I always thought he was way too much fun to be hanging around with Des. Now, Jade never proved herself to be a total social butterfly during her time with Chris Soules, but there was all that talk about her having "another side" the we hadn't yet seen. A little sweet and a little wild could be the perfect match for well-intentioned party boy who willingly goes by the name "Mikey."
4. Juelia Kinney and Jonathan Holloway
Juelia was the other widow from Chris' season — y'know, the one who was sweet and slowly opened up about her emotional story... the one who wasn't Kelsey. I think everyone out there is rooting for her, and she deserves a nice guy like Jonathan, the handsome dad recently voted off Kaitlyn's season. They both have kids, and that's a great foundation to build a romance on.
Now we enter into guessing who the mystery men from Kaitlyn's season could be by way of matching them up with the ladies we already know are on board for Paradise...
5. Carly Waddell and Joe Bailey
Carly had a lot of friends on Chris' season of The Bachelor and one very specific enemy in the from of Britt, who she perhaps went a little overboard with interfering with Britt and Chris' relationship. But, Carly seems cool and funny when she can mind her own business, and, with her Texas roots, she'd surely match up well with a an equally cool and funny guy from Kentucky. Additionally, Carly doesn't care what you think about her eyebrows and Joe doesn't care if his left testicle is hanging out on a group date. It's a match!
5. Ashley Iaconneti and Jared Haibon
Ashely I. is particularly difficult to match because Ashley I. is particularly difficult to understand as a human. Even though she seemed intolerable in her edit on Chris' season, but, once off the show, she seemed totally cool. So, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here and giving her Jared from Kaitlyn's season, who would probably both serve her aesthetic needs, treat her like a princess, and tell her when she really just has to stop crying. And perhaps in return she could tell him he has to shave.
(And yes, Jared is a frontrunner right now, but come on... How could Kaitlyn turn down Shawn B.?)
6. Ashley Salter and... Clare Crawley
Sure, it would be easy to match up Ashley S. with someone like Tony the Healer and say, "You two go be oddballs together," but LISTEN. Ashley S. is not of this earth and Clare will never find her match on any Bachelor-related programming, so why not let these women turn the game on it's head and choose each other, forming a bestie relationship to rule the franchise. Just imagine all the raccoon talks, hair styling, and mutual bafflement that could happen. I've got my fingers crossed for friendship on this one.
For more videos, subscribe to Bustle on YouTube.