18 'The Lizzie McGuire Movie' Moments That Are Totally Confusing, Because Is This Movie Really What Dreams Are Made Of?
Before she embraced mermaid hair and Tinder, she was Lizzie McGuire. No matter how many iconically bad Hilary Duff roles I've revisited in these bad movie rewatches, she will always be known as Lizzie McGuire. And at long last, I think it's time we respect that. Yes, school's out, my friends, so pack your bags: For this week's bad movie rewatch, we're going to Rome with the endearingly confusing Lizzie McGuire Movie.
With this rewatch, I went into the film with only a few hazy memories of the Lizzie McGuire show, and minimal idea of what to expect. Luckily, Gordo literally spells things out within the first five minutes of the movie, so it wasn't really a problem. In case you're in the same boat as me, here's a quick summary: Clumsy, adorably uncool Lizzie McGuire graduates middle school and goes on a celebratory trip to Rome with her classmates. There, she gets picked up by a gorgeous pop star named Paolo, who says she's a dead ringer for his gorgeous pop star ex-girlfriend Isabella. Paolo asks her to stand in for Isabella at an awards show... but are his intentions truly pure?
Siiiiiiigh. You know the answer. In chronological order, here are 18 confusing things from The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
1. Our story begins with a casual child psycho who has no grip on modern technology, and also doesn't realize you shouldn't label blackmail videos as "blackmail."
His name is apparently Matt, and he and Lizzie seem to be related.
2. It's unclear what exactly Matt is trying to capture in these videos that is so thoroughly embarrassing.
Lizzie's cliche singing-with-a-hairbrush-on-Graduation-Day bit?
The fact that she wears an argyle shirt with matching argyle socks and sandals? I mean, the school already knows she has no fashion sense.
Lizzie's cartoon persona?
I don't really know, but Matt seems to think it's the most hilaaaaarious material ever.
3. "Only you would think you could hide that powder-blue-puffy-sleeved, it's-kind-of-a-peasant-dress-but-it-might-just-be-a-baggy-disaster that you wore to the spring dance."
Oh good, Kate Sanders is me.
4. Lizzie is bad at graduating.
Also, the school is bad at investing, since the mustard gold curtain fell with impressive velocity.
5. Paolo legitimately materializes out of nowhere.
There isn't an adorable meet-cute — there isn't even a clean edit. Lizzie throws a coin into the Trevi fountain, and we cut to this guy taking off his sunglasses. Did he teleport there?! I don't...
6. Gordo's face when Lizzie calls him her friend.
You and every guy who talks to me, bro.
7. Lizzie's cartoon persona's continually weird visualizations.
You do you, Cartoon Lizzie. You do you.
8. Paolo and Lizzie go vespa riding to a pop cover of Domenico Modugno's "Volare," because the world is a terrible place.
If you took Italian in high school, you had to sing that song at least once or twice a semester. And good, they found a way to make it more unbearable!
9. Matt recognizes Lizzie from her necklace, of all things.
It's a dead giveaway, because that's not literally the same heart tag necklace every '00s girl had back then. Honestly, it was the Pumpkin Spice Latté of 2003.
10. This entire fashion show.
I still don't remember the "why" of "why is this happening," but I'm more confused about why Paolo doesn't get to wear a hat of packing peanuts. #doublestandards?
11. Lizzie debuts her new fabulous look, which is literally the same overabundance of braids she always has and a denim jacket.
It's not even a good denim jacket — the navy is too aggressively navy.
12. Lizzie's parents and brother book a plane to Italy because they "miss her."
Well, not so much Psycho McGuire, but I'm amused that her parents are cool with throwing away Lizzie's college fund on last-minute plane tickets to Italy.
13. Isabella shows up in a lime green power-suit dress with large snakeskin lapels, and every inch is an aesthetic mess.
Previous images of her in the film showed she had a way better wig and, IDK, maybe an ounce of good taste. Also, Duff's "Italian" accent sounds like it was processed through a garbage disposal, so that doesn't help.
14. Paolo says he believes in Lizzie because she "shines like the light from the sun."
Oh God, that's the kind of too-gross statement that makes you realize your semester-long fling in Milan has definitely run its course.
15. "Lizzie, who are you going to believe: this boy you are knowing your whole life, or this boy you are just meeting who says, 'You shine with the light from the sun?'"
Girl, listen to Isabella and her horrendously tacky plastic blazer.
16. And then Gordo and Lizzie exchange these faces.
It got so real.
17. Nobody stops to question why there are two Hilary Duffs on stage.
Paolo's lip-syncing was just outed, so I get there's a lot going on, but wouldn't this be a bit confusing for audience members?
18. And, in a moment that gave 12-year-olds everywhere crazy feels, Lizzie and Gordo finally kiss.
Which I'm told is a big moment, but like ... if Lizzie and Gordo have been friends forever and you're a fan of the show, then yeah, there's potential relevance there. But in the movie, it seemed that Gordo was just realizing his feelings for Lizzie right now, and not in any grand way. Also, Lizzie spends the entire movie being incredibly self-involved. And the big character developments are indicated in moments like, "Lizzie and Kate are friends now!" and "Paolo's evil, I guess!" All supporting characters get minimal screen time, and don't further the plot in any way, and Lizzie's big triumph is learning to sing in public.
Fingers crossed that the sequel, Lizzie McGuire 2: Lizzie Swipes Right, really redeems the franchise.
Images: Walt Disney Pictures via Netflix (22)