A Tumblr post about how sexy consent is has been getting attention all over the Internet recently. Coming to us courtesy of blogger Bimbo Toys for Pretty Boys, it's garnered more than 115,000 notes in the past two weeks — and with good reason. I understand that the "consent is sexy" campaign can be reasonably critiqued on the basis that something as fundamental and mandatory as consent shouldn't be sexualized, but I don't really understand why it can't be both sexy and mandatory. This Tumblr post? It definitely proves that sexiness and mandatoriness aren't mutually exclusive — and, indeed, that when both things meet, it ups the hot factor exponentially.
The post begins by saying,"People who are like 'asking for consent ruins the moment' have no imagination," before going to explain that asking for consent is essentially dirty talk — and therefore totally sexy. As the viral post puts it:
Like, I’m sorry, but purring “do you want it?” into your partner’s ear before you fuck is hot.
Looking into your partner’s eyes and asking “may I?” in a voice breathy with desire before you kiss them is super hot.
And “Do you want me to pin you up against this wall and fuck you til you’re screaming my name?” is just basically dirty talk.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you? If asking for consent ruins sex you’re what? A rapist who sucks at talking dirty?
Is that a demographic whose fun we care about ruining?
What this message is tapping into is the inherent sexiness of being comfortable and safe in bed. There's nothing less sexy than feeling like your partner isn't in tune with your desires and needs, or you with theirs (say it with me, now: communication is key). That's why saying things like, "Do you like it when I...?" or "Do you want to...?" feels simultaneously sexy and safe.
Getting consent doesn't kill the mood; it heightens it. No one said that getting consent means pulling out legal documents and signing on the dotted line. It can actually be a really easy way of asking what your partner wants in bed. Asking the girl you're sleeping with something like, "Do you want me to go down on you until you can't handle it anymore?" actually kills three birds with one stone: You turn her on, you get consent, and you make sure it's something she actually wants.
So, we've established that consent doesn't kill the mood. What are some other things people often accuse of killing the mood that are, in reality, sexier than anything else? Let's take a look:
I kind of get the logic behind this one; stopping whatever sexy thing you were just doing so a dude can put on a condom is an unnatural break in the action and can mess with your libido. But it's an easily solvable problem: Have him put on a condom and then go back to whatever you were doing for a bit, and then once you're all hot and bothered again, have sex. Seriously, if you think condoms aren't sexy, you're definitely not going to think an STI is sexy.
2. Unexpected Noises
Sex requires being really close to someone else's sticky body for an extended period of time, so weird noises are just going to happen. It's a given, and it's not something we can escape. If you're in bed with someone who gets turned off by that, maybe it's time to start sleeping with someone else.
So, you're on step three of some highly complicated, pretzel-esque sex position tutorial, and you realize that your partner's toe should definitely not be lodged in your belly button. It's totally cool, and sexy, to laugh about it. Sex shouldn't be that serious; it's supposed to be fun, after all, right?
4. Taking a Break
If you've been going at it for a long time, you might be hungry, sore, tired, or some combination of the above. Taking a break doesn't have to end things totally — it just pauses it. And it's so much better not to try and push through: Sex can be many things, but two it shouldn't be painful or an endurance contest.
5. Switching It Up
You might think that asking your partner to switch positions or to move their hands somewhere else will indicate that you're not into it, but they probably want nothing more than to make you feel good. Asking for something else, or for the same thing in a different way (faster, slower, harder, softer, etc.) doesn't kill the mood at all. It shows your partner that you're confident enough to ask for what you want, and confidence is always sexy.
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