6 Sex Stories That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud, Because Sometimes Drunk Sex Sends You To The ER
Some sex is super hot, some is familiar and some is just plain awful. But if you’ve been sexually active for a hot minute, chances are you’ve had an experience that was laugh out loud hilarious. It’s true, sex can be a little ridiculous at times, if you really think about it: parts are bumping against each other, there’s sweat, there’s um, other, types of fluids, there’s movement and so many things to think about when all you really want to do is enjoy yourself. But before you get embarrassed or pretend that noise didn’t come from your nether regions, remember that awkward sex experiences happen to everyone, and more often than not, they can help break the ice and ultimately, bring you closer together as you pick yourself off of the floor, laughing too hard. Like, when you're mid-orgasm and breast milk starts coming out of your boob or you get a little drunk before hooking up and end up in the ER.
If nothing else, these experiences make hilarious stories (well, eventually). If you still need some reassurance that your sex fail isn’t quite that terrible, enjoy these real stories that’ll make you feel better about yourself and your bedroom mishaps, stat.
1. Lucy, 26
“About three months after I adopted my pup, I started seeing a new guy. He came over for the first time to stay the night and things quickly got hot and heavy. While we did take my dog out for a walk, apparently, she wasn’t too happy with the noises coming from the bed and she decided to relieve herself. We didn’t see it happen, but we started smelling something pretty terrible and looked down to see her giving us one hell of resting bitch face. We laughed about it… but the relationship didn’t really go anywhere after that.”
2. Elizabeth, 24
“One time I was really drunk with an ex-boyfriend and we decided having sex against a wall would be a good idea. Spoiler: it wasn’t! When he got inside me, he entered at an odd angle and basically tore my vagina. No joke. I ended up going to an emergency visit to the gyno the next day, and while I luckily didn’t need stitches, she did remind me that whiskey does not count as foreplay."
3. Meredith, 32
“Though we were pretty exhausted from basically not sleeping for two months, when my husband and I got the clear that we could have sex, I think we were both curious to see how things would work after I had a baby. In one of those brief, amazing nights where our baby actually slept, we decided to go for it. All was well, felt great and we were both having a good time, until I was on top and got to the point where I was about to finish and breast milk started coming out of my boobs. Any type of emotional reaction apparently can cause this… including an orgasm. It was pretty gross.”
3. Jo, 27
“When I was in college, my boyfriend had empty alcohol bottles he put highlighter fluid in because they made them glow in the dark. But one night while we were having sex, my leg hit them and they fell and broke all over the bed. So if you can imagine, we’re laying there naked and suddenly the bed is covered in glowing liquid and glass! I was drunk, so I took myself to the couch while I watched him clean it up and he changed the sheets.”
4. Rebecca, 31
“One time, my husband and I got home pretty late and I was exhausted. Even so, we decided to start having sex. I wasn’t drunk or anything, but I was so incredibly tired from the day that while I was going down on him… I fell asleep. Whoops.”
5. Jordan, 25
“There was this one time that I was hooking up with a guy who I had gone to high school with. He was two years younger than me in school and always had a crush on me, but he was the kind of high schooler who looked like he was still in middle school, so I just wasn't into it. Fast forward to 10 years later, and I ran into him at an event. We hit it off and start hooking up, but he stops me mid-clothes-coming-off, looks me dead in the eye and says, ‘Before we go any further, I have to tell you something.’ I assume he's about to tell me he's got some nasty STD and this is all going to come to an end very quick, but instead, he looks at me really, really seriously and says, ‘I just need to warn you, I have a really huge dick, so if I'm hurting you, you need to tell me.’ I was drunk and laughed in his face, because the fact that he was so small of a kid in high school (and still wasn't that tall as an adult) just made it unfathomable that this could be true. I ended up finding out that he wasn't kidding. Wow.”
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