I don't think there's anyone out there who wouldn't benefit from a good New Year's resolution or two, but I can't think of a group of people who need them quite as much as the cast of everyone's favorite reality franchise. So, here they are, folks: New Year's resolutions the Real Housewives should make for 2017. Whether or not you're familiar with any given city, cast, or season, you know that you can tune in any old time to a completely random episode, and you're likely to see a lot of the same stuff: lavish events, drama, white wine, backstabbing, and vacations I could never afford. And as exciting as it is to watch, any pattern that you fall into so deeply that it's predictable season to season — not that any of us are complaining — is probably one that you need to examine. It's why I'm examining my tendency to sleep beside my clean laundry for several nights before actually folding it and putting it away.
And since I'm pretty sure the highest form of self-examination is the New Year's resolution, I've come up with 13 resolutions that any one of these ladies of luxury could benefit from. The only thing is, I'm torn on some of them, because if they took every single one, these shows would all of a sudden become total snooze-fests. You can either be happy, or you can make compelling reality television. So, I guess what I'll say is, pick and choose the ones that work for you, ladies, and please feel free to be your full, dramatic selves the rest of the time, because I like you just the way you are.
1. Dry January
Or February? Or March? Or really any month, because hey, wouldn't it be fun to take a month off from drinking, just to see how your body feels? Call me crazy, but maybe your interactions with your friends would all of a sudden go more smoothly, because maybe there's a correlation between breakdowns in communication and the effects of alcohol. I dunno!!!!
2. Invest In Plastic Glassware
Or, if I can't sell you on taking a full month away from the sauce, can I at least talk you into plastic glassware? You guys throw wine around way too much for me to be comfortable chancing it with the fine crystal.
3. Try Meditation
Sometimes it seems as if the slightest little thing sets these ladies off, and it can be exhausting being so on-edge and raw like that all the time. In my own experience, self-care can be a great antidote for anxiety, and if I take 10 minutes to myself just once a day, it cuts down on my needs to snap at a friend or make a scene at a restaurant.
4. Take Shorter Vacations
The ideal vacation length is long enough to give you a break from real life, but short enough that you don't end up at your friends' throats. This is just in an ideal world.
5. Learn My Address
And speaking of vacations, please memorize my address, because the invitations that I know you're sending me to join you on these international capers keep getting lost in the mail.
6. Examine Your Friendships
One of the beautiful things about being an adult is that (for the most part) you don't need to interact with people you don't like. There's no need to spend time with people who don't make you feel good, and putting some distance between you and those toxic elements in your life will save you a lot of time in apologies you don't really mean.
7. Better Catchphrases
I just feel like we're getting a little lazy in this department, people. Let 2017 be your year to come up with something that actually makes sense.
8. Be Upfront About Salaries
That way, if you aren't happy with what you're making, you can either try to negotiate up, work harder, or leave on your own terms. There's a reason that NeNe Leakes made such an absurd amount more than the rest of the Real Housewives of Atlanta cast, and it's because she was damn good television. Maybe things would be easier if they were right out in the open, instead of happening behind closed doors. Or maybe there'd be resentment either way, who knows.
9. No Talking About Each Others' Kids
Whoops, a real one fell in here. But honestly, you guys say this all the time to each other, but let me add my voice to the chorus — gotta stop dragging the kids into it, you just gotta.
10. Let Your Hair Air-Dry Every Once In A While
I'm telling you, it's good for you. Plus, you're gonna get wine thrown in it at that Gals' Luncheon anyway, so why not plan ahead and save yourself some time?
11. Let One Or Two Things Go
I'm no expert, but I heard this rumor that you can sit out of arguments sometimes, especially when they don't involve you. Might be worth a try?
12. Try A Month Of No Spending
I've seen the way you ladies throw money at a problem, and it makes me very nervy for your bank accounts, so maybe give a month of no spending a shot? There's no one to impress here but each other, and that's not worth it.
13. Stock Up On Waterproof Mascara
And if you take no other advice on this list, get ye to a drugstore and pick up some waterproof mascara, because if there's one thing I know about a season of Real Housewives, it's that there will be tears.
So, there you go, ladies. That's all I can do for you. The rest of the year is in your hopefully capable hands, so best of luck with these resolutions. You're gonna need 'em.