7 First Date Mishaps To Be Mindful Of If You Want A Second One
It obviously takes two people to decide if there will be a second date. And sometimes, it's just not in the cards. If you don't have chemistry with someone, then you don't have chemistry — and that's OK. Dating is tough, and the process can be long. And sometimes, first date mistakes are made and it just doesn't work out.
But if you find someone you enjoy hanging out with, and would really like a second date, there are a few things you can do to make it more likely. Or, rather, some things you may not want to do.
"We tend to play far too many mind games and try to use too many psychological tactics when it comes down to something as straight forward as a second date request," Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist and Host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, tells Bustle. So the first thing you should avoid doing, is anything that might fall under that label.
Ignore your friends when they suggest waiting three days to call someone back. If you're into this new person, let them know. "You may still be turned down, but if you had a nice time and want a second date, call them or ask in person," Dr. Klapow says.
You can, of course, give your date some time to be the one to call you, if you'd prefer. But it's also perfectly OK to take things into your own hands, and make sh*t happen. With that in mind, here are seven things to avoid doing on your date (and afterward) if you want to keep the odds in your favor.
1. Only Talking About Work
While it's obviously fine to talk about your career — especially if you're passionate about it — keep in mind it's not the only thing you should talk about, as it doesn't allow the other person to truly get to know you.
"This is a mistake, because you’re not on a date to get hired, but to make a connection," Sandy Weiner, a dating and relationship coach at lastfirstdate, tells Bustle.
Instead, "share your passions, dreams, [and] things you're proud of," Weiner says. And encourage them to do the same. That'll help you get to know each other better, create a deeper connection, and maybe even ensure that second date.
2. Trying Too Hard To Be Liked
It's common to head into a date wondering if the other person will like you. But think how much more fun it would be to go in wondering if you'll like them. As Weiner says, it's important to remember "you get to be the chooser."
Not only will this mindset give you a sense of empowerment, but it will also cause you to give off totally different vibes. When you aren't going in afraid of rejection, it becomes much easier to relax and enjoy yourself. And that will make the date so much more fun for both of you.
3. Hoping They'll Be "The One"
Again, nothing can weigh you down quite like unrealistic expectations. So do yourself a favor and go into the moment with the goal of having fun and getting to know this new person — instead of trying to discern right away if they're possibly "The One."
"Most of your dates will not be The One, so it’s important to be realistic about that," Weiner says. "Go on your date hoping you have fun, enjoy meeting a new person, and if all goes well, you’ll see each other again."
4. Trying To Act Like Somebody Else
We all arrive on dates as slightly better version of ourselves. And that's a good thing! Just like you'd dress up and be super on-point during a job interview, it's perfectly fine to put your best foot forward when meeting someone new.
But try not to go overboard. "It’s OK to be your best self but not to the degree that you aren’t authentic or trying to be someone you are not," Dr. Klapow says. "The other person will pick up on it quickly." And without feeling like they had a real connection, you two might not end up on a second date.
5. Spending The Whole Date On Your Phone
Hey, we all have a phone. And we all want to check that phone for messages and alerts most of the time. But if there's ever a time to stash it away and forget about it for an hour or two, it's while on a date.
"You should be as attentive and engaged as possible not only because you're trying to get to know the person, but so that you can enjoy yourself," Heather Ebert, a dating expert at first-date site WhatsYourPrice, tells Bustle. It's really tough to relax and be in the moment with someone if you're staring at a screen.
Not to mention, texting throughout the date might send the message that you aren't interested — even if you totally are. Nothing says "I'm into you" quite like undivided attention.
6. Getting Into A Heated Debate
There is nothing wrong with speaking your mind and getting into a debate — especially if that's where the evening naturally flows. But it might not be the best idea to bring up the likes of politics and religion the moment you first meet.
"Save [these topics] for when you know each other a little better so that even if you have differing views, you’re able to communicate with empathy and respect," Ebert says. It's all about giving the relationship a moment to build a foundation. And you can't do that if you're both too angry to schedule a second date.
7. Forgetting To Follow Up
Whatever you do, don't try to "play it cool" after a great date, or think that it's intriguing to act disinterested. If you want to see this person again, it's way better to be forthright about it.
"If you want a second date, you should follow up with the person shortly after the date with a text to let them know you had a great time and would like to see them again," Ebert says. "It really is that simple. If they respond well, check in with them the next evening to see how their day went." And so on and so forth from there.
If a second date is in the cards, it'll happen. But it never hurts to help things along by avoiding certain dating mistakes that might accidentally push the other person away, or make you seem less interested than you actually are. By being aware of these mistakes, and taking your dating life into your own hands, second dates will start coming your way.