I always thought orgasms felt great, but after watching porn and observing partners, I got the feeling that they were experiencing something more intense than me. I wondered if I was having bad orgasms, as if there’s such a thing. Then, I realized: Comparing your sex life to someone else’s is comparing apples and oranges. There's no one right way to have sex, and as long as you're enjoying yourself and everything's consensual, there's no wrong way, either.
"Although it's understandable to want to compare your sex life or your relationship to those of other people, you may wind up getting an inaccurate, unfavorable, unrealistic picture of yourself or your relationship," practicing psychologist and Harvard lecturer Holly Parker, PhD, author of If We're Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone?, tells Bustle. "What’s most important is to listen to yourself in deciding whether you’re happy in your relationship or sex life. And if you’re looking for more information to help guide you in deciding whether an aspect of your relationship or sex life is “normal” or healthy, see if you can find information from sources that are credible — e.g. your doctor, therapist, relationship or sex expert, or scientifically supported readings."
Here are a few areas of your sex life where there is no normal and all variations are totally fine.
1
How Long Sex Lasts
There are tons of studies on how long the average sex session lasts, but "average" doesn’t mean "right." Some people like to have sex marathons, and others just like a quickie. Neither is a problem unless it bugs you.
2
How Strong Your Orgasms Are
Orgasms are like chocolate: Some might be better than others, but they’re all great. So don’t sweat it if you have quick, quiet orgasms instead of wake-up-the-neighbors ones. An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.
3
The Size Of Your Labia
There's way more variation in labia size than porn would have you think. Just look at Betty Dodson’s drawings. Vulvas come in all shapes and sizes, and none are less attractive.
4
How Quickly You Orgasm
Some people come in seconds, while others take hours. They all deserve however much or little time they need. Even if you don’t come at all, the sex can still be great.
5
How Emotional Sex Is
Some sex is deeply romantic, while some is purely physical. This can be the case if you’re with a serious partner you love or if you’re just with a hookup buddy. There are many dimensions to sex, and you don’t have to experience all of them all the time.
6
Your Sex Drive
Magazines make it seem like everyone wants to increase their sex drive, but that can be exhausting! It’s OK to want sex all the time, but it's also OK to have no interest in sex. As long as both people consent, there’s no right or wrong sexual frequency.
7
Your “Number”
Many adults have very valid reasons to be virgins, while others have had dozens of partners because they all appealed to them. Your number doesn’t say anything about who you are as a person or a lover.
In short, don’t compare any aspect of your sex life to anyone else's — because a good sex life is the sex life you want.
