Life
The early ‘00s were a more innocent time, when many of our millennial minds were clouded with adolescent hormones and our middle school bodies were shrouded in popcorn shirts and body glitter. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, why won’t we all take a nice, romantic little stroll down memory lane and revisit some of the things we did to impress our 2000s-era crush. If nothing else, at least the retroactive embarrassment mixed with the nostalgia will take your mind off the ungodly amount of body glitter you just remembered you sported.
I made some pretty bold choices when it came to getting my crushes to notice me. “Bold” in that they were either extremely over-the-top or wildly unnoticeable. But on the bright side, exactly none of them worked!
For example, in late elementary school I cut my Teresa doll’s hair so it looked like my crush’s mom’s hair. It’s fine! I’m fine! Was I trying to conduct some Barbie-centric voodoo? Did I have the intention of showing my crush? Who knows! I just did it because it felt good and so, so right in my prepubescent mind. Thankfully, I didn’t show anyone at school and I only cried a little when my mom asked me why I butchered my Barbie’s hair.
I also wrote a letter to Santa around that time, asking him to make Matt S. and/or Bobby P. like me. I wasn’t picky. It could’ve been either one or even both! Was I aware that neither Matt S. nor Bobby P. celebrated Christmas? Yep! Did that stop me? Of course not.
What I’m trying to say is we’ve all been there. I mean, maybe not exactly there — I realize I’m probably painfully alone in my Barbie and Santa-centric ploys for romantic attention — but we all did some pretty ridiculous things to catch the eye of our crush. Many of those things are made even more ridiculous by just how dated they seem 18 years later.
Here are nine things I did to get my crushes to notice me in the 2000s. Please, for the love of my pre-teen self, I hope you did at least a couple of these, too.
1
Sported Some Smackers Flip Gloss and Butterfly Clips
Had to keep up with all the latest trends so the cool guys would notice you! In addition to various shades of the above lip gloss, I wore makeup for the first time with the hopes of ~*being noticed*~ at a middle school dance. I showed up sporting a very baby pink eyeshadow that did not compliment my skin tone. Did it work? Nope. I immediately took it off in the bathroom after one girl skeptically asked, “Are you wearing pink eyeshadow?”
2
Rubbed Magazine Samples Of Jessica Simpson’s Edible Perfume All Up On Yourself
You remember Dessert by Jessica Simpson, right? You likely also lived vicariously through her relationship with Nick Lachey on her reality show Newlyweds. Of course, you never actually bought any of her perfume, which is probably for the best because it apparently resulted in a lot of lawsuits.
3
Wrote A Cryptic Blog Post About Them On Your Xanga or Live Journal
If successful, your crush messaged you about it on AOL Instant Messenger. And then, you’d be like, “It’s about no one.” Finally, if you’re me, you find out he’s been smoking pot with a senior and cry a little but also kind of get it.
4
Dawdled In The Hallways While Pretending To Listen To Your Hit Clip
Smartphones and Spotify were not staples of my middle or high school experience. Instead, I listened to the same 30 second clip of “I Like It” by Sammie while hoping to walk past the guy I liked between classes. I would definitely take my time walking by the A through K lockers during between-class breaks (even though my last name starts with an M and I really needed to go get my geometry book). But for the love of god, I would not look at my crush if I ended up seeing him in the hall. (Didn’t want to appear as desperate as I so very, very was!)
5
Updated Your AOL Instant Messenger Buddy Profile With Flirty or Forlorning Lyrics
RIP, AIM. Sometimes I feel like ~*We BeLoNg ToGeThEr*~ but then you gotta know when to say xxGOODBYExMyxLOVERxx.
6
Put Up Your AIM Away Message The Second They’d Sign On To See If They’d Message You First
Or take down your away message when you heard their special sign on sound effect. I wish I was kidding but I just got nervous “Maybe he’s online?!?” butterflies listening to the door-opening sound in this YouTube video.
7
Made Your MySpace Profile Autoplay A Particularly Pining Song
If you, like me, were decidedly extra, you might even write a song about your crush and post it on your music MySpace account. Then you, like me, might realize afterward that your crush’s name is actually “Benji” not “Benny” per your eponymous ode. Finally I...I mean you would keep the song up anyway because you’d mostly likely have a crush on someone named “Benny” someday and the song would make sense then.
8
Burned A Perfect Mix CD For Them
I was never so bold, but I definitely had daydreams about what kind of Sharpie art I would have put on my crush’s personalized mix.
9
Brought A Disposable Camera To Your School Dance To Take Pics
If you don’t have shoeboxes full of old, poorly lit pictures from dances in your school gym (namely pics where you’re wearing your crush’s tie because you’re just sOooOoO random), did you even go to middle school in the 2000s?
