Bachelor in Paradise Season 3 star Evan Bass knows Bachelor franchise love: He married Carly Waddell after meeting her in Paradise, and they now have a daughter, Bella. Read what Evan has to say about the all the drama this week.
Hello, and welcome to Week 2 of Bachelor in Paradise: The Backstabbers Edition. Chris Harrison promised a “literal and figurative storm” and boy-howdy, did he deliver. Week 2 of Bachelor in Paradise quickly erupted into a giant ball of incestuous summer lovin', hatin', and bailing on budding relationships.
Last week’s cliffhanger spilled over into this week, and Goose Chris is still maintaining his march on the warpath over "disingenuous" Crying Colton. Chris has charged Colton with perhaps the highest level of treason possible on Paradise; Chris has found Colton guilty for being here For The Wrong Reasons. Gasp. So he’s worked up Model Jordan and Cursing Nick into a feeding frenzy, ready to man-chat the hell out of Colton when he returns. Colton unwittingly saunters into the trap and must defend his honor with the boys.
Colton tells the guys that he has been honest with Tia. Spoiler alert: Colton has not been honest with Tia. The power of the yacht date has propelled her to the edge of falling in love with Colton, and we’re now deep into the millennial dilemma of two people on completely different pages. The man-chat ends rather lackadaisically, but it drives Colton and Tia to the day bed on the far side of the beach — never a good sign. Tia sends Colton away, meaning Chris is now the Paradise guy fighting for Tia’s heart. Tia is now smitten with a man whom she thinks will always treat her right. Spoiler alert: He does not treat her right.
Meanwhile on the beach, Glitter Krystal has told Pro Wrestler Kenny King that their short-lived fling is just that. Short-lived. Here, Goose Chris re-enters picture, tosses his feelings for Tia aside, apparently, and checks off a bucket list item (kissing a blonde woman). Impressive. Slow clap. May the Lord open.
Brightening things up, Jenna arrives and almost immediately heads off to ride horses with Jordan, and gallops straight into his heart. He bucks off his feelings for poor sweet Annaliese, leaving her, once again, traumatized. But don't worry, Jordan is a stand-up guy and reveals that she still holds a strong second place position in his heart. Chivalry is indeed not dead.
Even perfect Venmo John got in on the flip-flop action, cuddling with nervous-yet-endearing Caroline, but then bailing to talk programmer porn with Jubilee. I’m not upset about it because I, frankly, totally ship Jubes and John (still working on a couple name). It will be interesting to see how Jubilee deals with this very positive date experience. On the season we were on together, I watched her get stuck in her own head with Jared and become her own worst enemy. So, with Caroline waiting back home, things should blow up quite nicely. Still, Venmo John has become the hottest commodity on the market and we are now officially in a Black Mirror episode.
The main reason we are seeing so many vacillations is the relative lack of Bachelor experience in the cast. Wells aside (does he even go here anymore?), the cast is fresher than Jordan’s highlights. Back in my day, I was #blessed to have time-tested veterans like Nick Viall, Jared Haibon, and Sarah Herron as part of the original core cast. They had already done Paradise — hell, Nick had been through two Bachelorettes — so they knew the ropes, could sit back and relax, and give advice. Nick and Jared provided a tremendous amount of support to me through my journey with Carly. If any of those people had been in this group there would be way less back-and-forth. Hats off to the producers for allowing us to experience a very raw and messy first few episodes.
So, despite my Twitter musings, I’m not really holding the cast to a very high standard because of their inexperience. There’s plenty of time to figure out relationships and come out of this show looking great and wildly attractive to sunglass brand sponsorships. I’m sure by the end of this we will start to fall in love with some of the people we currently dislike because right now we are only able to see the stress-induced dark side of Figuring Things Out. As time goes on and people relax, we will see the positives and be able to actually enjoy and cheer for the couples. So give them a break. Except Colton. Don’t give him a break. Update: While writing this, Colton tweeted at me, and now I feel guilty for saying bad things about him.
But seriously, Colton playing the whole “I want to look out for Tia, so I’m going to tell her about Chris" thing is so strange. Also, HOW THE HECK IS COLTON STILL HERE?! He was supposed to leave, but somehow he made Bibiana’s "hoo-ha dance" enough to get a rose from her.
Luckily, we had one semi-solid couple to anchor us through this cyclonic week. Taxidermy Kendall and Grocery Store Joe seem to really be hitting it off. They are so cute and awkward and it’s just sort of beautiful? Although, the whole relish vs. avocado "date" was disgusting, because both relish and Avocado are disgusting. (Fight Me.) Also, Joe really doesn’t say much. Is he real? Maybe we will never know.
As you watch my favorite show on TV, please give some grace to everyone who is out there learning about the magic of Paradise. I learned more about myself and my weaknesses in one month of filming Paradise than years of life ever gave me. So sit back, and watch the ugly mistakes and let’s cheer for whoever makes it off the island happy.