Did you wake up this morning asking yourself, “What is covfefe and how do I do it?” It is the question plaguing millions of people around the world today. But before we can covfefe with the most presidential of them, we must first understand not only what covfefe is, but when it is, and also why.
Covfefe is a concept so complex, the man who created it, Donald J. Trump, wants you to figure out what covfefe means. Because, like, he knows what it means. He ~*definitely*~ knows what it means. He just wants to make sure you know what it means, which is really thoughtful if you think about it. A few hours after his initial, now deleted, tweet, he posted this question on Twitter: “Who can figure out the true meaning of "covfefe" ??? Enjoy!” Just a fun, lil' brain teaser for your Wednesday morning from the leader of the free world. Very relatable!
Covfefeing is a lifestyle, one that takes decades without personal or professional checks and balances to achieve. Covfefe is also means of survival. Like they say, all's fair in love and covfefe. Covfefe is both student and teacher, both apprentice and apprentice firer. Is it a distraction? Of covfefe it is. But it is the distraction that will covfefe the world.
Put simply, covfefeing just comes naturally to big, strong Presidents like Donald J. Trump. It will take years of practice before you, a mere civilian with no buildings in your name, are able to covfefe in the middle of the night like him. But as a very smart man with the best words once said, “Be the covfefe you wish to see in the world.” Here’s how.
1Covfefe is the universal language.
Covfefe speaks to all. At international meetings, covfefe will allow you to use a very small almost invisible translation earpiece to prove how big your brain is. Even if it doesn’t tell you which words mean what, it does not matter. All it will need do is whisper “covfefe,” and you’ll know what to do from there.
To seek the highest level of covfefement, you must travel to foreign lands, touching whatever glowing orbs and sacred wall crevices you can get your huge hands in. This way you will absorb the covfefe from leaders past and become the covfefe of the future.
3Covfefe to solve conflicts.
The Iranian-Palestinian conflict? Not anymore. Now it is the Iranian-Palestinian Covfefe or at least it will be when Jared Kushner gets his covfefe together and fixes everything.
4Covfefe with cake.
Preferably, the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen. However, you can also covfefe with taco bowls, as pictured above. Syrian missile strikes sure do make a covfefe hungry! People may complain about little things like your inability to remember which country you bombed despite your vivid memory of the meal you ate at the time. To that we say: Let them eat covfefe. As President, you can have your cake and covfefe it too.
5Covfefe like a man.
If you’re a woman, I guess you can try to covfefe, but it probably won’t be the same. You likely don’t have the stamina or giant hands to covfefe like a man. I’m not saying that women can’t covfefe, just that maybe they shouldn’t. Women might simply be too emotional to covfefe. And how will you balance covfefe and family? If, somehow, a woman is able to break the glass covfefe, she must do so wisely and carefully. Her covfefe will be under great scrutiny. Would it be wonderful to live in a world where anyone of any gender can convfefe equally? Sure. So long as they don’t do so together over dinner.
6Covfefe for America.
To make America covfefe again, you must make covfefe great again. The key is to covfefe with little to no discretion. Covfefe the head of the FBI. Covfefe Sally Yates. Some covfefe is loud and big and American, while other covfefe is quiet and Russian. You’ll learn the difference soon enough. Or maybe you never will. Such is the beauty of covfefe.
When you reach presidential levels of covfefedom, you’ll be able to covfefe in your sleep. You’ll covfefe racism and bigotry. You’ll covfefe sexism. When you live in a post-covfefe world, you don’t have to worry about little things like human rights. With covfefe, there are no mistakes or typos, only opportunities. If you’re lucky and rich, you’ll be able to covfefe who and whatever you want. Because when you’re covfefe, they let you do it.