With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I thought it high time I tried to make my own edible underwear. Candy panties are so fun, tasty, and gosh darn hilarious that I couldn't help but wonder how they're created.
You may be wondering why I didn't just go out and buy a pair to save myself the trouble. Well, first off, I enjoy a good DIY and thought I could share my experience with all the crafty gals out there in case anyone fancies making their own pair. Plus, I'm vegan and I'd never come across specifically vegan edible underwear, so of course, I had to fly the flag for herbivorous humans everywhere and create a tasty pair of knickers that carnivores and plant eaters alike could enjoy.
I discovered that one pair of vegan edible underwear turned out to be a hoax, however it was a pretty good marketing campaign. I also found that the hard candy G-strings I'd stumbled across were in fact vegan — but then again, you'd probably be down there for quite some time trying to gnaw the candy free. In addition to this, I found tiny, edible gummy underwear and blueberry flavored "Candy Pants." However, the Candy Pants product worryingly stated, "This product contains saccharin which has been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals" on their Amazon listing.
That considered, I decided to make my own vegan edible underwear. Needless to say, it was a journey.
It might be difficult to believe, but I've never made edible underwear before. So I turned to YouTube, where there's a tutorial for everything, to learn how to DIY my own delicious pair of panties.
IMO, the finished product from this tutorial resembles something from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, but it looks a heck of a lot easier to eat than other edible panties on the market. However, my creation would depend entirely on the products I could get my hands on.
It took quite some time to track down vegan sweets that I thought would work for this DIY. My small town in the North of England isn't exactly a vegan metropolis, however we do have an awesome vegan store called Planetwise, that I managed to purchase the "Real Fruit Snack" bars and the vegan "Mallows" from. It was by chance that I stumbled across the "Strawberry Twists," after being recommended that a retail store (that pretty much sells everything) occasionally stocked them.
In addition to my vegan candy, I had greaseproof paper, a pen, and scissors at the ready. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to accomplish my task, but I was definitely going to give it my best shot!
As per the tutorial, I started out by drawing a template of panties onto greaseproof paper. Because I wasn't entirely sure how I would join two "sides" of panties together, I decided to draw a diaper-like template, so that I'd just need to tie the sides together somehow.
After I'd cut out my template, I laid it on top of another sheet of greaseproof paper as the tutorial advised.
I thought my Real Fruit Snack bars were the perfect size to create a waistband, so I laid these along the waist area, slightly overlapping.
Next, I took my Vitamix stirring tool (that looks like a rolling pin) and bashed the areas that overlapped, in the hopes they would fuse together.
I repeated the process with the other side.
By the time it got to making the actual knickers, I was excited. I never used to like marshmallows before I went vegan, so I wasn't sure what consistency they would go if they were microwaved; however, I needed some kind of "glue" to form the panties out of, so I put them in the microwave.
I was very happy with my gooey marshmallow paste and I began applying it to my creation.
But, the mallow paste began to harden super fast, so I had to work quickly.
I soon learned that I had only a handful of seconds to scoop the liquid candy onto the template and even then, it would not set smoothly. It was so difficult to work with and stuck to everything.
As it hardened so quickly, it left huge gaping holes and reminded me of fiber glass insulation that is used to clad attics.
My hopes of creating delectable edible underwear suitable for vegans, were almost dashed, until I remembered my Strawberry Twists. I popped these in the microwave for a few minutes, but they didn't lose their form and came out scalding hot. I never thought I'd say that a candy scared me, but when I removed these molten, sizzling sweets from the microwave, I was concerned for my skin's safety.
I began dolloping the Strawberry Twists onto my "panties" in the hopes that they would be like little bricks that held everything together.
But, as you can see, things went from bad to worse. The Strawberry Twists were very gummy and wouldn't squish smoothly onto the marshmallow as I had hoped.
I didn't have much hope for the wearability of these panties.
The Finished Product
It wasn't just the wearability factor I should have been concerned about! When it came time to peel the candy from the greaseproof paper, my beloved Real Fruit Snacks came unstuck.
Upon peeling the "panties" away, I could see that they wouldn't be functional in the least, considering they still had huge gaping holes in them.
What had I created?!
Here you can see the "waistband" deciding that it no longer wanted to be a part of this monstrosity, so it jumped ship.
Obviously, my DIY was an utter disaster. Although many folks may be quick to point fingers at the vegan candy, I think there are other factors to blame for the demise of this project.
Firstly, I am not an edible underwear expert, so my skills (or lack thereof) could certainly have played a part in this tragedy. In addition to this, I know one shouldn't blame their tools, but I feel the limited candy I had to play with didn't help matters. I reckon if I could have gotten my mitts on some vegan chewy candies, I may have been able to do a better job.
It's safe to say, I won't be trying this again in a hurry, unless I get some ingredients that could work better. I'll just have to stick to the delightful candy G-string for now — you'll probably hear about me on the news, as the girl who had to have sweets surgically removed from her butt. C'est la vie!
Images: Phoebe Waller