Fighting with your partner never feels good. Any kind of disharmony in your relationship, especially in the early stages, can put you into panic mode and lead you to question whether or not your relationship is going to last. But, even the healthiest relationships go through their fair share of squabbles. No matter how often you argue, experts say
fights with your partner are totally OK as long as you still feel positively about your partner and your relationship.
Despite knowing that
fighting can be healthy and productive, it's hard to think your relationship is in a good place when it's happening. Sure, that may be true if it happens all the time. But as Rosalind Sedacca, CLC, Dating and Relationship Coach, tells Bustle, there's a major difference between fights that you should worry about and ones you really shouldn't.
"If you still feel appreciated, respected and loved in your relationship despite disagreements, your relationship is doing well," Sedacca says. Chances are, your partner probably feels that way, too. Without mutual appreciate, respect and love, "a relationship is a facade and subject to painful fighting, emotional emptiness and sabotage," she says.
So if these are the worst fights you and your partner have, experts say there's no need to worry. Your relationship is doing just fine.
Having Different Opinions About Everyday Things
"Fights about different opinions on things are quite common," Sedacca says. "We all have opinions, and heated disagreements are par for the course in a relationship." In some cases like religion or politics, these arguments may stem from
major compatibility issues and can definitely hurt a relationship's chance at success. Disagreeing about what kind of couch would look best in your living room is nothing to worry about. If you disagree on every little thing, every single day, then that can signal trouble. But don't go looking for "signs" of relationship trouble where there really is none. If you usually make up and move on after disagreements, Sedacca says you're relationship is doing well.
How Often You Text Each Other
Healthy couples fight about the little things like how often you expect a text or when you want your partner to check in, Jane Reardon, licensed therapist and founder of
RxBreakup, tells Bustle. "There’s a fine line between being incommunicado versus feeling like you’re on parole," she says. "Every couple needs to establish the norm for being in touch." This is expected to change as you go further along into your relationship. What was once good for both of you at the beginning of the relationship can change once you've established that you're exclusively together. So when the need to communicate starts to come from obligation rather than desire, you may want to discuss the issue again if you don't want to argue about it. "Push reset, so everyone’s comfortable with each other’s expectations," Reardon says.
How Much Affection You're Showing Each Other
Similar to texting or calling frequency, Reardon says the amount of affection you're showing each other can be a source of arguments. But if your relationship is healthy and a lack of affection from one partner is the biggest issue you have, your relationship is doing just fine. Again, this is another one of those things that can change as your relationship moves further along. Communication can definitely resolve the issue, as will
knowing each other's love languages. If you can figure out how each partner likes to give and receive love and affection, your fights about it may lessen.
Not Going Out On Dates Like You Used To
If you and your partner argue about how date nights aren't happening as often as they used to, Reardon says that's not necessarily something to worry about. "This behavior is fixable," she says. "By talking it through and having the willingness the make the relationship the priority, compromise can be reached, schedules adjusted, and the problems will be solved." As long as it’s just a temporary behavior issue and not your partner's need to distance themselves from you, this is pretty fixable.
Numerous studies have found that
social media can harm your relationship if you're not mindful about how you're using it. For the most part, social media really shouldn't come in between you and your partner unless you allow it to. For instance, if your partner wants to keep the relationship more private and doesn't like posting pictures of the two of you on their profiles, respect that. If you want your partner to stop liking pictures of their ex, even if they're still friends, they should respect that as well. If you're spending alone time together, put the phone away. Similar to finding more time for the relationship, what you do on social media comes down to behavior. According to Reardon, behaviors are fixable. If you can have an open discussion about what you both think is OK and not OK, you can stop having these fights in no time.
People tend to get in a touchy mood when they're feeling overwhelmed or stressed. As a partner, it's hard to not engage when your partner snaps at you for absolutely no reason. But these one-off fights are nothing to really worry about. According to Sedacca, it's only a bad thing if these arguments happen every single time someone is stressed or it "escalates in intensity and magnitude." If this is the case, it might show that one of you may not have the skillset to handle your issues in an effective way. Your best bet is to try to be as understanding as you can. Give your partner the opportunity to relax and apologize for how they treated you. If they don't take responsibility for what was said in their moment of stress, you may have bigger relationship issues to deal with.
Where You're Going To Eat Out For Dinner
It can seem annoying if you and your partner can't seem to be on the same page about small things like where you want to eat out for dinner. But if that's the worst thing you fight about, you really have nothing to worry about. "Relationships are in trouble when the partners are continuously fighting about their different values and life goals," Reardon says. Disagreeing about where you want to do date night next week is way less troublesome than disagreeing about where you see yourselves living in the next five years. If you and your partner aren't on the same page about major life goals, your relationship may be in trouble. According to Reardon, listing out your three to five life goals that are super important to you can help you determine whether or not you and your partner are really a good match long-term. The smaller things that don't make that list are things that can be worked out.
"You know your relationship is doing a lot better than you think when you and your significant other are showing the willingness to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work," Reardon says.
If you're truly willing to find ways to meet in the middle and come up with a solution that satisfies both of you, there's really no need to worry. That willingness from both of you shows that you have what it takes to make your relationship overcome anything that comes your way.