If You’re Ready To Give Up On Love, Here Are 11 Things To Keep In Mind
Dating can really bum you out. If you've been searching for love for some time with no luck, you may start feeling like it's completely hopeless. But according to experts, giving up on love isn't a great a option, especially if its something you really want it.
"Dating today is tough, can we just validate that first?" Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, co-founder of Wright Wellness Center, tells Bustle. "It's so common for older generations to trivialize or compare. But there's really no use. Dating. Today. Is. Hard."
For instance, online dating has made it easier to find people to date. But it's also made it easier for people to burnout or ghost others like it's no big deal. Overall, dating can sure do a number on your self-confidence. But as tough as things can be, you shouldn't let that get you down.
"I truly do believe both as a person, therapist and coach that anyone who wants a relationship can get one," Wright says. "I don't think anyone is doomed to 'die alone' or be single forever unless you believe that about yourself. If you think that you're destined to [be] alone, you may. You have to think about yourself through the lens of what you WANT."
It's important to hope and think about what's possible. If you don't, you're more likely to stay stuck in a "reality" that isn't what you want. So if you're feeling like you're ready to give up on love, here are some things you should keep in mind.
1. Every Person You Meet Can Teach You Something New
Even if a date doesn't go the way you want or had hoped, you can still learn something from every person you meet. You really don't have to learn anything life-changing either. You may discover a new restaurant that you really enjoy or a new way of looking at things. "If you can go into the date looking to learn about that person and about life and not focus on the potential outcome, you'll enjoy it a hell of a lot more," Wright says.
2. You Only Need One Person To Be "The Person"
Each relationship or date that "fails" gets you one step closer to your person. Although you may have to kiss a couple of frogs to reach them, Wright says, you'll learn more about what you like and don't like. You'll stop wasting time on people who won't give you the love you deserve.
3. Life Is About The Journey, Not The Destination
"If you're focused on the destination, you're going to miss all of the beautiful flowers and sights along the way," Wright says. Besides, when it comes to love, there is no "destination." Once you're in a relationship, you're going to have new challenges and things that come up. According to Wright, you're always going to be working on yourself. That doesn't stop when you're in a relationship. A relationship isn't the end goal, so enjoy things as they are right now. "Trust that if you keep being the best version of you possible, you've got this," Wright says. "They will come exactly when you'll be ready to receive them."
4. A Psychic Can't Predict Whether Or Not You'll Have A Happily-Ever-After
When you're about ready to give up on love, it's so tempting to consult a psychic or a tarot reader to give you some hope that things will turn around. But as Davida Rappaport, spiritual counselor and relationship expert, tells Bustle, that's probably the last thing you should do. "In my opinion, a psychic or spiritual counselor should weigh in on a relationship when you need insight into how to make a relationship better or source out the problems spots," she says. "They cannot predict happily ever after, but they can guide you in the right direction so you can make better decisions or feel that you are on the right track."
5. Timing Is Everything
For anyone "waiting" on someone to be ready, this one's for you. According to Rappaport, waiting for someone, no matter how long it takes is perfectly fine. "Maybe you're ready, but the best person for you may not be," she says. "Know that when they're ready, you will both find each other. Trust your intuition and know that timing is everything. Trust it and you will not be disappointed."
6. Beware Of The Spark And Trust In The Slow-Burn
Sparks can be misleading. So it's not a bad idea to trust in the slow burn. "Initial attraction is hot for sure, but don't look past the one who makes you feel good deep down in your soul and continues to show up for you time and time again," Kara Laricks, LGBTQ+ matchmaker with Three Day Rule, tells Bustle. "That's the kind of fire you want to stoke!"
7. Be OK With Letting Go Of The Wrong One In Order To Find The Right One
If you want to find love, you do have to put yourself out there in order to meet new people. You also have to be OK with letting go of people and situations that no longer serve you. "It's toxic to hold on to past relationships or to pine after people whom you'll never get a chance with," Mackenzie Riel, relationship expert with TooTimid, tells Bustle. It's tough to let go of someone you think is your soulmate. But maybe, you're not together for a good reason.
8. The Grass Isn't Always Greener
"If you find someone who feels right, don’t wait for a 'fantasy person,'" Rappaport says. "Date that person and if they want to work on a relationship, do it." If you're with someone who feels "right" and you're happy, why look elsewhere? According to Rappaport, too many times people are in good relationships, meet someone who they believe is their soulmate, and want to leave someone they love for someone new. "Don’t lose something good if you have it for something that may or may not be good for you," she says. "Keep it real."
9. Don't Let Fear Stop You From Going After What You Want
"Do not let your fear about being alone or abandoned stop you from believing in your ability to find a great partner," Rappaport says. Also, be mindful of your negative thoughts. If you believe in the Law of Attraction, thinking you're never going to find someone will make that a reality. "Positive thinking can and will shift your energy and you will feel more optimistic and hopeful as a result," Rappaport says. "It’s the positive energy that can attract a positive person."
10. Finding Love Takes Work
"Do I think it’s easy to find a romantic commonality and fall in love with your soulmate? No," Candice Smith, relationship expert and co-founder of The KinkKit, tells Bustle. "This will almost always require a search." It will require work. It will require making a choice to be open and vulnerable with other people. It may also require you to face rejection. "Everybody can find love," she says. "But I think that we all have to work at it if they want to find it and keep it." Good things in life don't always come easy. But the effort you put into it will be worth it in the end.
11. You're Worth It
It's so easy to get down on yourself when nothing in the love department ever pans out. But don't be hard on yourself at all. "When and only when you see yourself as whole and complete on your own, will you be ready for a partner," psychologist Kelsey M. Latimer, PhD, CEDS-S, founder of Hello Goodlife, tells Bustle. "When we focus on being the best version of ourselves and not trying to force love, often that is when it finds us." Always remember that you're worthy of love. "Make sure that you feel deserving and whole as a person prior to looking for something, as this sets you up for a healthy foundation of a relationship," Latimer says.
Finding love may be tough. But don't feel discouraged. Nobody's "destined" to be alone forever unless you actually believe it. If you want a relationship and put in the effort, you will get it. So don't give up and keep going.