I have a confession to make: this year is my first time watching The Bachelorette, and boy did I clearly pick a doozy of a season to jump in on. There was some kissing and flirting, sure, but the season premiere also introduced the world to some very strange gentleman that I need to know everything about now. Luckily, The Bachelorette will still be airing on Memorial Day, so on May 29 there’ll be another two hour long episode documenting Rachel Lindsay’s quest to find true love — and Bachelor Nation's quest to figure out what the deal is with at least half of these admittedly handsome weirdos. A French puppet? A penguin suit? A guy whose catchphrase sends him into full-on fits? Who even are any of you?
Anyway, it’s a good thing that Memorial Day isn’t the kind of holiday that people celebrate with fireworks, because I'm definitely going to have enough “Whaboom” in my life after this, thanks. Although, hey — maybe Lucas will get booted off this time around! Or maybe Blake E. will have iced him all the way out of the mansion. Either way, it’s helpful to remember that there are other ways to enjoy your three-day weekend while you wait for the next episode, as inspired by Rachel and her contestants’ recent shenanigans:
Break Out Your Summer Wardrobe
Nothing says summer like a penguin costume, right?
Get Some Much-Needed Apartment Cleaning In
It can't all be beaches and party time, OK?
Kick Back & Have A Drink
What’s the worst that’ll happen? You don’t get a chance to talk to your crush, watch them make out with someone else and get sent home before anyone has a chance to witness those dance moves?... Yeah, that’s actually pretty bad.
Find A Nice Spot By The Fire Pit To Snuggle
In certain areas of the country, it’s supposed to be chilly this weekend, so make sure you have a snuggle buddy. Unless you’re made of fabric and very flammable, as Adam Jr. is. In that case, you should probably focus your haunted, existential gaze on the fire from a safer distance.
Tickle Someone, I Guess?
Consensual, non-surprise tickles only, please.
Snag Yourself A Secluded Part Of The Beach & Just Let All The Winter Demons Out Of You
Listen, say what you want about how disturbing it is to witness “Whaboom” from the outside, but I bet it must be a transcendent experience to just let loose like that. Lucas does that but, like, as a profession. I think. Do people pay him to do this?
Anyway, do you think any of these dudes are going to be able to outdo their own strange gimmicks on the next episode of The Bachelorette? I, for one, cannot wait to find out.