Meghan Markle & Prince Harry-Themed Condoms Exist Because Nothing Is Sacred Anymore
Are you obsessed with the upcoming royal wedding? Have you also ever looked despondently at your box of standard drugstore condoms and thought, "I just... I don't know... something's missing"? Thankfully, there's a solution: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle themed condoms are here to save the day. Or night. Or whichever time you prefer coitus.
The "love sheaths" come from a company called Crown Jewels, and this just keeps getting better. These masterminds clearly sensed something was lacking in the prophylactic department, so they came up with something that helps prevent unwanted pregnancies, protects lovers from certain STIs, and also satisfies your obsession with the royal wedding, because when did these three things ever not go together?
To be clear, these are novelty items that aren't actually meant to prevent pregnancy or STIs, but that doesn't make them any less, er, impressive. The rubbers feature Prince Harry and Ms. Markle on the front of the package, in some strange manner of airbrushed. Markle is depicted with a tiara on her head, and I would expect no less for something that ends up balled up in the garbage. The love gloves are limited edition and not even available for purchase yet, so you need to enter your email address to get a notification and use another less regal form of "protection" until then. Sorry. :-\
It's worth the wait. The Crown Jewels website boasts the condoms are "fit for a prince," "artisan style" and "drizzled with lube." Royals allegedly prefer to drizzle. Write that down.
In case that doesn't seal the deal, they also play God Save the Queen and the Star Spangled Banner when you open up the package. MUSICAL CONDOMS! Crown Jewels claims they are the "most luxurious royal wedding condoms ever made," leading me to wonder exactly how much competition they have in the royal wedding condom market.
You guys, we've all been having sex wrong this whole time.
But wait. I'm not done. When you open the cover, the box reads, "Your prince will come." I'm simultaneously impressed with the clever wording and also offended because nobody ever cares about the female orgasm. To be clear, yet again, the website says these are strictly novelty items and not intended to be used as a contraceptive. Annnnnnnnnd sex just got less exciting again. What are we supposed to do now? Use actual condoms? What's the point if they don't have Prince Harry and Meghan Markle on the front? How can I ever go back to the usual fare???????????
If these look a little familiar, it might be because back in 2011, Crown Jewels came out with Prince William and Kate Middleton themed condoms, says Jezebel. I love K. Middy and all, but I'm sorry — it just doesn't have that Markle sparkle.
Since Prince Harry and Meghan Markle became a thing, the world has been totally consumed by their relationship. We've tried to copy Markle's wardrobe choices — which typically sell out online the nanosecond she's seen wearing them. We've dissected what wedding dress she might wear (something sophisticated and simple, obvi) and the flavor cake they might eat (banana? fruitcake? who knows...). We've gone through the many royal wedding traditions and wondered if the queen might make an exception and let them do the chicken dance anyway. The crowds have spoken, and they say, "Give us royals or give us death!" Weren't royal condoms the next logical step in our obsession? I can't think of a better way to not get pregnant.
The condoms come four to a pack and will cost you £10, or a little less than $14. Totally worth it to climax like royalty.
Remember, kids: don't be a fool. Cover your tool.