According to my pal the Gregorian calendar, yesterday was the first day of spring; according to the sky that is currently spitting out "Elsa in an existential crisis" amounts of snow in what will mark the fourth nor'easter to hit New York this month, it's ... not so much. Truly, the only thing sustaining us through this seemingly nonstop nonsense tundra is that summer is, eventually, coming, and when it does, gigantic pool floaties will come with it. By now you have undoubtedly seen the giant unicorn float that broke the internet last week — but brace yourself, friends, because this rose bottle pool float proves that there are only more glorious riffs on the most Instagrammable part of summer to come.
I'm sorry, but I've misrepresented it already — this is no rosé pool float, but a rosé pool floaté. (Thank god for those semesters of high school French, amirite, guys?) Now you can not only enjoy sipping from the Patron Saint Of Summer Drinks, but really just lean into the whole experience by literally floating on one, too. And good news! The rosé float is available on Amazon Prime, so you can get it IMMEDIATELY — that is, if you want to see if it will work for tobogganing down the hills of frigid snow in this winter that straight up refuses to go home.
Anyway, here's a version of you, living your best life on this ~floaté~ that puts Taylor Swift's iconic swan floatie 'grams from 2015 to shame.
This one clocks in at 7.5 feet tall, which I presumes leaves just enough room for you to dangle your open rosé hard cider over the side like the extremely classy individual you are. (In case you have not heard, 2018 is definitively the Summer of Rosé Hard Cider, on authority of me, a person who enjoys drinking it.) The Amazon page suggests it for celebrations like bachelorette parties and birthdays, but truly, I don't think we need any more justification than "LOOK AT THIS!!!" to explain its presence in a pool.
And hey, if that one's not your speed, it turns out you have options when it comes to rosé pool floats. A slightly more affordable and pastel version of summer's next Instagram bait is also available on Amazon (and prime!) so you and your BFFs can get a duo and float alongside each other in slightly-less-matchy harmony.
Of course, if you're not planning on floating solo this summer, your best bet is probably that gigantic unicorn float from Sam's Club that's been making the rounds on the internet in the past week. It may be steep at $150, but it fits up to six people on it at a time, and is durable enough for a lake as well as the pool. Plus, game changer: this one comes with built-in coolers and cup holders (you know, for all the rosé).
And just in case you weren't already dying from the cuteness, you can even get matching little unicorn baby floats to put your drink in (you know, just in case your friends on your giant magical unicorn raft make you walk the plank or something).
In the meantime, call up everyone you know and tell them to stop wearing their pajamas inside out and flushing ice cubes down the toilet, which are both probably to blame for all the snow half the country's been getting lately. The sooner we get to summer, the sooner we can all fulfill our Instagrammable, rosé-flavored, unicorn-filled destinies.