I'm all about honest communication in the bedroom. But there's a difference between being honest and saying every single thing that comes to your mind. There are some things you should just never say in bed under any circumstances, because instead of getting your partner in the mood, you'll only lead them to shut down.
If you want to become more communicative in the bedroom, there are plenty of things you can say. "What do you like better, this or this?", "Do you like that?", "I like that," and "That feels so good" are all great places to start. If your goal is to give feedback, there's a tactful way to do that, too. Try starting with something you love about your sex life, then asking for something new and reiterating the positive again. "Guide them and give encouragement when they hit a spot you like," Marissa Nelson, LMFT, tells Bustle. That way, your partner won't be left feeling insecure.
Dirty talk can also be fun, but discuss it in advance to make sure you're only saying things your partner actually wants to hear. Find a time to talk about it outside the heat of the moment, and make it clear what you do want and what you don't want as well.
There are several phrases, however, that are likely to leave your partner feeling insecure, pressured, or upset. Here are some things you should probably avoid saying in bed.
1"But My Ex Did It Like This"
"Don’t compare or contrast your partner to anyone else," says Dr. Fran Walfish, Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist. It'll only make them feel inadequate or jealous. If you want them to do something the way your ex did it, just ask for that thing directly. And don't expect them to like what your ex did; everyone's different.
2"I Don't Like That"
Don't criticize your partner's looks or performance, says Walfish. If you want them to do something differently, speak in the positive and tell them what you would like them to do.
Couples' therapist Marissa Nelson, LMFT suggests moving their hand over your body and telling them where you like to be touched.
3"Did You Take Out The Trash?"
If you think of something on your to-do list in the middle of sex, wait until you're out of the bedroom to bring it up, Walfish advises. Talking about something off-topic kills the mood. Try to focus on your sensations, and if your thoughts are really stuck outside the bedroom, take a break to address what's on your mind.
4"I'm Concerned About Our Sex Life"
If you or your partner have a sexual issue, bring it up outside the bedroom, according to Nelson. Trying to have that discussion in the heat of the moment "kills the vibe and makes people feel defensive and self conscious," she says. "Always communicate your wants and needs, but in a way they can hear you, if you feel like something in your sex life needs to change."
5"Your Body Is ___"
Of course, you can compliment your partner's body, but comments about appearance can get sensitive. Make sure your statements come off positive, not ambiguous. Don't tell someone they make funny or strange faces or noises, even if you mean it in a good way. And don't mention the size or shape of a body part — just saying that you love it or it's perfect is enough.
Communication in the bedroom is nothing to shy away from. Many people find that it enhances their sex lives. Just make sure that what you say can't be interpreted negatively. And if it's not about the activity at hand, save it for another room.