Titus' "Hold Up" Parody Lyrics From 'Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt' Season 3 Make It A Cathartic Breakup Song
Viewers knew they were in for a treat when the promos for Season 3 promised a Lemonade parody on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. When the first teaser for the new batch of episodes was released this past February, it featured beloved character Titus Andromedon in full-out no-marking Queen Bey mode, strutting down the street in the singer's iconic yellow "Hold Up" outfit, and swinging a bat into the window of his lover Mikey Politano's truck. Now that Season 3 has premiered, the full sequence is available for consumption… and it doesn't disappoint. In fact, Titus' "Hold Up" parody lyrics are everything I could have hoped for and more.
The music-video-within-a-show starts with a black-and-white spoken word sequence that looks ripped straight out of Lemonade. Subtitled "Furiosity," the intro features Titus floating in an underwater hotel room, while in voiceover he intones:
I tried to change. To be… sweeter. Prettier. Less… gassy. I slept on a cot next to a towel shaped like a swan wearing my sunglasses and plugged my seasick portal with pages from the Holy Book. But all the while… are you cheating on me?
That's when the fun really starts. As the scene switches to Titus' yellow-clad strut down a sidewalk, baseball bat in hand, viewers start hearing his revised versions of Beyoncé's lyrics. (Netflix has not released official lyrics, so these may not be 100 percent accurate.)
Hell no, I ain't playing with you, Michael
Uh-uh, I'm not fooling with you, Michael
Back up! I ain't playing with you, Meatball
Michael, I'm not playing with you, Meatball
So far so good.
Something don't taste right, cause it ain't right
Like when you take a sip of water and it turns out to be Sprite
I know your secret, and now I regret ever helping you out your closet
Is this what I deserve? I took you at your word
You know I'm not too feminine to cut me up a nerd
What's worse? Being heartbroke or roach bit?
Hearbroke or roach bit?
Or like, seeing you in your outfit? I gave you that outfit
I'd rather be roach bit
Personally I might prefer heartbreak to cockroaches, but to each his own.
After a reprise of the chorus, we're right back into it:
Imagine for a moment that you never came on out
To yourself, still on the shelf, still had that dartboard in your house
Never made it out of Queens, still out there playing all them sports
Never had the flyest tenor in the choir up in your shor-or-orts
A dartboard? Sports? Queens?? Mikey really was in denial…
Would dudes be into you? Nope
Them gays would spoof on you, goof on you
I know that opposites attract
So I find you and fix your hair
I do like Mikey's haircut this season, I'm not gonna lie.
Another reprise of the chorus, and then the big finish:
It's such a shame you let this meerkat go to waste
I always keep it nice-nice-no-fuss, grind-his-owies on the bus
Like, where's my feet? You rub my feet, and then we watch a cop-type show
Listen. I know that Beyoncé is a hero, and Lemonade is a triumph of contemporary music… but in all honesty, this is probably going to be the version of "Hold Up" I play on repeat while I'm walking down the street.
Thank you, Titus Andromedon, for this hilarious gift of self-righteous sass.
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