Whether it's the first time or the tenth time,
getting over an ex is never easy. Although one would like to think that breakups get easier after awhile, it's not always the case. Each one is tough in its own way and, in many cases, have us still reeling weeks, months, and sometimes even years after that fact. It can take a long time to get over an ex, no matter how hard we may try to speed up the process. And, when it comes to getting over an someone, there's no shortage of advice and techniques.
"It's so easy to remember the good, rather than
the reason you broke up," Amy Levine MA, CSE sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure. "If you're hung up on your ex, make a list of all the reasons why you're not together and particularly what was a dealbreaker that you let go on too long. Put this list on your phone so you can glance at it every time you want to call or text."
While, ultimately, as is the case with all wounds, getting over an ex takes time more than anything else, it still doesn't mean you should just take a back seat to your healing process. Here are seven things to tell yourself when you think you'll never
get over your ex.
"I Won't Victimize Myself"
"Don’t relive negative events that occurred in the relationship by recalling what happened or extract an aspect to persecute yourself over again," behavioral scientist, relationship coach and creator of
Your Happiness Hypothesis Method, Clarissa Silva, tells Bustle. "You’re torturing yourself and subsequently delaying your own growth and healing."
No matter how the relationship ended, you're not a victim. When we victimize ourselves we give power to our ex. Take a page from
Gabriel García Márquez, “Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry.” You can mourn the loss of the relationship without allowing yourself to be the victim.
"I'm Just Wasting My Energy"
If I could bottle all the energy I wasted on thinking (read: obsessing) about my exes, the world would never have to worry about an energy shortage for all eternity. Think about all the
useful things you could do with that energy instead.
"Consider how much energy you are wasting on thinking about your ex," says Levine. "Realize that redirecting that energy can change the course of your life and take action."
"I Won't Waste Time On Their Social Media Profiles"
"Stalking only stagnates your growth because it occupies your brain with thoughts about your exes’ activities and whereabouts," says Silva. "Instead of social media stalking, mentally prepare yourself for a better relationship and a more realized version of yourself for the next relationship. Utilizing a method I created,
Your Happiness Hypothesis, allows you to de-emphasize the other person and empower yourself."
Sometimes getting over an ex is difficult out of fear of never loving or being loved again. You need to remind yourself that this is absolutely not the case.
"When we connect with someone new the feelings that come up can bring healing and a fresh perspective as we begin to connect with love, pleasure and
connection that do exist outside our ex," Lauren Brim, sex coach and author of tells Bustle. The New Rules of Sex,
"The only thing you did was try to show someone love and cultivate a life for you both," says Silva. "Allow yourself to feel the pain and unburden yourself of what was your former life. All you did was demonstrate that you have the capacity to love and build a life for yourself. You can do it again."
Love means taking a risk. You took a risk. That's something worth celebrating. So stop being so hard on yourself.
"I Have To Stop Idealizing The Relationship"
Illusions and delusions are wonderful if you're stuck in a Dalí painting or in the pages of
Lord of the Rings, but when it comes to getting over an ex, there's simply no place for them.
"Although it may be difficult, try not to reminisce about the relationship," says Silva. "When you do that you are only extracting the moments of the relationship you want to remember that were about companionship. You are recalling only the things that created an illusion of belongingness... One of the keys is that you have to be honest with yourself and in defining your truth; you have to come to terms with it."
"It's Time To Put Myself First"
If you've been in a relationship for a long time, you may have stopped putting yourself first. With the relationship over, your ex drifting further and further from your mind (ideally), it's time to focus on you and
invest in some major self-care.
"It's important to take care of yourself, live a whole life, and
live in your purpose," Ravid Yosef, dating and relationship and founder of Love Life TBD, tells Bustle. "Do something that's important to you, that you are passionate about, and driven by. Something that makes you feel good, not momentarily but always."
There's no fast and easy way to get over an ex. All you can do is be kind to yourself and go through the grieving process. You'll get over your ex eventually. We all do. But, as for just how long, only time will tell.