Even though school days are far behind me, I still get a bit of a rush on those first 80-something degree days with the promise of summer greeting me. And there's no better way to celebrate the shift to warm, glorious weather than holing up in your room and marathoning your
favorite summertime movies. Oh, OK, that's definitely not true unless you have a properly air-conditioned apartment ( lucky), but you at least have one film for the solstice that you watch every season. And with a slew of summer-set films on your favorite streaming services or dusty VHSes, your first pick is definitely telling of who you are and what kind of summer you'll be having. Seriously. Those movies that made up your adolescence can showcase who you are as a person and what your summer style probably is. So, being the pop-culture hermit that I am, I predicted what your summer should be like based on the classic you go back to year after year.
I mean, of course take this with a grain of salt, because I don't have boardwalk psychic credentials or anything. Keep reading to get a loose prediction of what
your favorite old-time summer film says about your summer future.
There will be significant frustration at trying to catch up with your friends in your hometown, and you'll end up flipping back through your Facebook albums from 2006, trying to relive those memories.
'Wet Hot American Summer'
This summer you will make too many profoundly uncomfortable jokes at a local open mic night, slaughtering your stand-up comedian career before it started.
You will try out temporary wash-out-after-like-half-a-beach-trip pink hair dye and think you are v. edgy for this decision.
You're going to emerge from a breakup looking for some wild times, but all you'll get is a sunburn.
You will spend many nights camping out reading articles on HelloGiggles and making doe eyes at the ice cream truck guy (the latter especially if you're a Stacey).
You're going to get stuck at a lot of close friends weddings within the June-to-July span and you will sob at every one.
'I Know What You Did Last Summer'
You're really bummed they're not screening
Scream at any movie nights near you, so you're going to have to orchestrate seasonal hookups by having dudes watch House of Wax on your MacBook instead.
Despite being a true romantic and honing a passionate love for John Cusack, your Nice Guy summer fling is going to be
really aggravating and hard to fling off once September rolls around.
'National Lampoon's Vacation'
For reasons of cost-effectiveness, you're going to be stuck on a family vacation, and though you'll be able to force some tense smiles for the photos, a lot of of your time will be spent thinking, "I can't believe I'm on a family vacation in the crux of my adulthood."
I don't think you'll make it to mid-June before you post an Instagram of you and your girls at a beachside bar captioned, "Live. Laugh. Love. <3."
You will absolutely find the time to hook up with your high school boyfriend after a family BBQ because life is too short, you know?
You're determined to see every major action-packed summer blockbuster, even if it means harvesting Tinder dates to take you.
'High School Musical 2'
You're a shoo-in for the role of Rosie in your community theater's production of
Bye Bye Birdie.
Despite all the shoreside fun you have planned, you will burst into hysterics any time a jellyfish floats even slightly near you.
You own a lot of quirkily printed bathing suits. You'll wear them while lounging by the pool in your backyard, or tanning in the park and avoiding any real responsibilities.
You're gonna attend every summer party try your damnedest to set your roommate up with her longtime crush, and then probably end up making out with her longtime crush instead.
You're the only one at the pool with a black parasol.
'The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants'
You will go on an extensive European vacay with your girlfriends and your relationship will be so much stronger for it.
'The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2'
You will go on an extensive European vacay with your girlfriends, and you will honestly want to throttle them by the end of it. Like, seriously, Casey, how the hell could just leave my blow dryer in that hotel in Barcelona?
You're not going to sleep with the gorgeous, yet probably not the brightest, lifeguard at your ritzy friend's apartment pool, but you will sure as hell fantasize about it.
You have a summer tour booked with your band and it's mostly going to be the best time of your life, even after your drummer unexpectedly bounces after a gig at Five Star Bar without any explanation and with one stolen cymbal.
'The Lizzie McGuire Movie'
There's like three Disney Channel Original Movie marathons written into your Google Calendar, and you will watch them all with zero shame.
'Don't Tell Mom The Baby-Sitter's Dead'
Crop tops and high-waisted shorts with upside-down crosses on them are going to become a really big part of your summer ~*aesthetic*~.
You're already curating a totes fire early 2000s summer playlist for your next rooftop party, and it's going to be less ironic than it should be.
This is either going to be the summer where you and your boss spend a bunch of incredible weekends together while his wife is up in the Hamptons house, or the summer when you finally marathon
Pretty Little Liars because people have been recommending it to you for years. Either/or.
'Cheaper By The Dozen 2'
I can't even
imagine what your life is like if Cheaper By The Dozen 2 is your favorite summer film, unless you're someone who runs one of those sassy nostalgic rewatch blogs.
In which case, this summer you need to stop stepping all over my brand.
Honestly, you're not really going to remember what happened to you this summer anyway.
Whatever your go-to summer flick is, here's hoping that the upcoming season will be a seriously cool time — air-conditioning or not.