In 2003, Elf told audiences that the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. What fans may not know is that the actual best way to spread Christmas cheer is finding out which Elf character you are, based on your sign. It's impossible to argue with astrology. It would be like fighting a Christmas tree — hilarious and pointless. The signs speak for themselves, and each one is as distinct and important as a fresh flake of snow on your tongue. Throw a log on the fire and grab your two-liter bottle of chugging soda, because it's Elf astrology time. Actually, forget the soda; this one might call for a glass or two of spiked egg nog. Don't say you weren't warned.
Whether you've been naughty (Aries) or nice (Pisces) this year, there's an Elf character you'll relate to most based on your sign. There's one for everyone, and none of them are a cotton-headed ninnymuggins or the raccoon that attacks Buddy outside of New York City. (For now, at least. There's always time for Libra to act out before the holidays.)
So, go ahead. Bake up some gingerbread cookies to stuff into the VCR and Elf yourself with these Zodiac character pairings.
Aries: Walter Hobbs
Walter Hobbs is the closest thing the film has to a villain. He's cold and impatient, and seems to not care for his wife Emily, his son Michael, Buddy, the holidays, or the orphanage from which he's taking away books. It comes as no surprise that Walter's on the Naughty list, but he's not all bad; his kindness is just buried beneath an icy exterior. Also, nothing in the known universe has ever been more Aries than not giving a sh*t that the children's book is misprinted. Aries are famous for abandoning projects, and selling an incomplete children's book at Christmas so encapsulates that.
Taurus: Papa Elf
Despite Taurus' association with the bull, a Taurus individual is typically loyal, dependable, and constant. It makes sense that Papa Elf would be a Taurus, as he volunteers to care for a random human baby and raise him like one of his own. In an attempt to protect Buddy from harm, though, he allows his son to live for 30 years without knowing his "real" identity. Papa Elf is sensible, unchanging, and steadfast; he's a good guy, if a tad stoic for an elf.
Gemini: The North Pole Elves
A Gemini is often capable of displaying two distinct personalities, not unlike Buddy's elf pals at the North Pole. On the one hand, the elves are hardworking and joyful. On the other, they're rude and conniving. They're just as likely to be singing and celebrating together as they are insulting cobblers and whispering about Buddy behind his back. Maybe it's something humans just don't understand?
Michael is sweet and sensitive. He's bullied at home and at school, but it doesn't try to stop him from making things better for everyone. Like any other Cancer, he's often found inside of his protective shell. Once he ventures outside of it, though, Michael is grateful for the chance to bond with Buddy, his parents, and more. You often want to hug the Cancer in your life, and there's a 50/50 chance they'll push you away or hug you back way too hard. Michael definitely seems like that type.
Leo: Miles Finch
"I get more action in a week than you've had your entire life" is not something anyone other than a Leo would declare during a business meeting. Even though he's been brought in to consult last-minute, it's like Finch is daring the rest of the room to challenge his greatness. Leos have a high self-opinion and an easily wounded sense of pride that may cause them to react harshly. Finch's fiery temper is extremely in character for a lion.
Virgo: Gimbel's Manager
Intense control freak? Afraid of being replaced? Unable to display normal human empathy as a result? Check, check, and check. If you've spent one second understanding where the Gimbel's manager is coming from, you're probably a Virgo.
Libra: Santa Claus
The scales of right and wrong are weighed by justice, a concept represented in Elf by none other than Santa Claus. The keeper of the Naughty or Nice list is all-important, but won't throw it in your face. Until you ask about it, at least. Trying to be secretive while saying, "the paparazzi have been trying to nail me for years!" is a humblebrag only a Libra would be capable of.
Jovie is enigmatic, enchanting, and impossible to predict. Though she's warm and cozy once she's opened up, she's also known to make questionable life choices, like spending Christmas Eve eating a bowl of ramen alone in the dark. One needs no further examination of what makes sweet Jovie supremely Scorpio.
Artistic Sagittarius is known for a boundless, headstrong enthusiasm that borders on the irresponsible. The gentlest and most surprising of the fire signs, Sagittarius is a reckless optimist. Deb from the publishing house, who can be overheard on the phone agreeing to declaw a litter of kittens as a favor despite no prior experience, is undoubtedly a Sagittarius. (Also, don't declaw your cats. It essentially disables them.)
Capricorn: Also Walter (Honestly, Dude Is Cold-Blooded)
Yes, Walter Hobbs gets to be two of the Zodiac signs. In addition to being stubborn and abrupt and self-centered, he's unrelenting and drives the people in his life hard. His extraordinary publishing success isn't an accident. It's a natural extension of the effort he puts into it. His accomplishments thrive at the expense of his personal relationships. Can you relate, Capricorn?
Resilient Aquarius would totally be down to adopt her husband's adult son from a previous relationship. He's family, right? Emily is outwardly welcoming to Buddy, and insists on keeping him in the house, even though it's so obviously not what her husband wants. She also doesn't think of how it might affect her son, which is at odds with her desire to placate everyone. Emily's adaptive; this is her life now, and she's going to lean into it. Classic Aquarius.
Pisces, after a good date, you're in love — you're in love and you don't care who knows it. After one embarrassing moment, you're sorry you ruined everyone's lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR. You're enthusiastic and effusive and loving, but also so sensitive and weepy and dramatic. Like Buddy the Elf, you feel in all-caps, so hard, and you don't apologize for it. Keep doing you, Pisces, you irrepressible li'l fish.
Apologies if you feel that this list roasted you like a Christmas ham. Maybe you should pop on your favorite reindeer onesie and lie down with some cocoa for a while? You've definitely earned it. Merry Elf-mas to all of the signs! Hope to see your name on the Nice list this year.