It's A Pleasure
I'm The "Luckiest Girl Ever" But Can't Shake My Doubts About My Boyfriend
How do you know when a good relationship isn't good enough?
Q: I’m starting to think my boyfriend and I aren’t that compatible, but I’m also worried I’m self-sabotaging. We’ve been together for two and a half years and lived together for one. On paper, I should be the luckiest girl ever. He is incredibly kind, caring, and funny. I have never been treated this well or felt this secure in a relationship. My friends and family tell me that I’ve hit the jackpot, but sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right.
For example, we disagree heavily on politics. Since we started dating, he has changed a lot of his views and even stated that he would take time to learn more about politics if it would make me happy. But something makes me feel put off and I wonder if he would have the same beliefs if it weren’t for our relationship. His friends share his original beliefs.
Another thing is work. When I met him, he was completing a master’s degree. Now, a year into his career, he often talks about quitting to do blue-collar work. I don’t have anything against that, but I am becoming a doctor, and he makes comments that I will be able to support him. I’d like to be able to take care of my parents and travel a lot, so I worry about him financially.
I’m torn because I do really love him and think he is an amazing person, but I don’t want to rush settling down (we’re 24). I just don’t know how to answer if he is the person for me. Please help!
A: This may not be a great comfort to you, but you are facing a very common problem. A lot of times, we believe we should only break up with someone if things are bad, rather than wrong, or even wrong-ish. That’s not true. You are allowed to leave a good situation, or even a great one. I often think about what author Cheryl Strayed wrote in her Dear Sugar advice column to five women who were considering ending their relationships. Her thesis? "Wanting to leave is enough.”
No matter what your family and friends say, a “perfect situation” may not be perfect for you. Unfortunately, you do not get a letter in the mail from the DMV when your relationship crosses the line and is too much work to be worth it. You won’t get a Partiful invite to leave him when the universe discovers that he is not The One. So, yes, you do have to pay attention.
However, I must tell you that your job in a relationship is not to ferret out whether it will last for eternity as quickly as possible. Your job is simply to understand whether you are sufficiently happy now. (A lot of heavy lifting, of course, is being done by the word “sufficiently.”)
What do you want — and expect — to get out of your time on Earth? In the words of Joan Didion, “Every day is all there is.” If your closest friend or your future child were questioning this relationship, what would you whisper in their ear?
Our happiness is not the responsibility of our partner. But how many days a year of feeling upset — or anxious or miserable or even just “off” — about a relationship are too many? Is it acceptable to experience five? What about 20? 150? (I think we can agree 150 is too much.)
Not all great things that can fit in your life are right for you. You don’t have to stay just because someone is good to you. In fact, that is actually the bare minimum.
Now, let’s get into some specifics. On the subject of politics, someone’s views are actually a direct representation of their values. Even “boring” stuff, like an opinion on where the city should build the new bridge, reveals what they care about. Will people be forced to move if it’s built in a certain neighborhood? Will it be built on the habitat of endangered species? What social services will get cut in order to pay for the bridge?
I think it’s fair to question the legitimacy of his new stances, especially because he’s saying he’ll read up on politics if that would make you happy, but he hasn’t actually done it. Is this same man going to suggest he would load the dishwasher if it would help you out around the house? I sure hope not!
And when it comes to money, it’s more than fair to not want to bring home the bacon for two — especially if this is a preference that he is voicing only through little comments or jokes.
Unfortunately, you do not get a letter in the mail from the DMV when your relationship crosses the line and is too much work to be worth it. You won’t get a Partiful invite to leave him when the universe discovers that he is not The One. So, yes, you do have to pay attention.
You do not need to figure this out now. Or next month. There is no hurry. You can enjoy the good parts of your relationship while continuing to encounter information that will help you decide either way. If you need to go, you will. You do not have to get everything right, certainly not the first time — and almost all of life is the first time.
So, how do you sift out the noise and see your life clearly? My advice to you is this: Make a firm commitment to trusting yourself in every possible situation. Take a jacket or leave it in the car? Trust yourself. Buy the concert tickets or wait until the day of? Trust yourself. Decline to be a bridesmaid to your toxic friend or spend your vacation days on her wedding? You know what to do.
You’re building a muscle. Tell yourself — even if you fear it’s not true — that you believe in your own abilities and insights. Know that even if you make a decision you later regret, you are capable of pivoting, and if necessary, surviving the consequences. You can always run out to the car and get your jacket.
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