When a romantic relationship comes to a close, there are endless possibilities for how things can play out. Although breakups are a pretty universal experience, no two are exactly the same — especially because of the uniqueness of the people involved in them. Many of us have endured a messy or complicated split from a partner, and yet others manage to be friends with their exes. If you’re curious about reconnecting with a former flame, someone who you haven’t had contact with since you broke up, you’ll first need some guidance on how to text your ex after a long time.
Before crafting the right message to send your ex, there are a few things you’ll want to consider. Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Satira Streeter recommends being “extremely mindful” before reaching out to an ex. “Are you being your most authentic self in your message or do you have an ulterior motive?” It’s never a bad thing to do an honest check-in with yourself before you try to reopen a closed chapter of your life. Do you truly want to reopen communication with this person, or are you just lonely? Do you really need closure, or do you just want some attention? These are all crucial questions to ask yourself before you reach out to your long-lost ex.
Dating and relationship coach Clara Artschwager tells Bustle, “We can be so good at convincing ourselves that we just want to say ‘Hi’ when there’s something more [serious] lingering below the surface.” When you’re gut-checking your motives prior to texting your ex, Artschwager recommends not only “practicing radical honesty,” but also having compassion for yourself. If you find that you are actually hoping to get back with your ex, it’s much better to be gentle with yourself and work through that feeling than to simply send a disingenuous text.
If, after doing some major soul-searching, you’re sure about your decision, look no further. Whether you’re hoping to rekindle the romance or close the door for good, here are 16 examples of what to text to your ex after a long time of not talking. Just remember, it’s never a bad idea to wait 24 hours before pressing send, Dr. Streeter says.
If You Want To Get Back Together
- I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship and the future, and I have some thoughts and questions I was hoping to share in-person. Would you be open to having a conversation?
- I miss you. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on the way we both behaved during our breakup, and I have a lot I want to apologize for. Can we meet up to talk about it?
- Do you ever think about how things would be if he hadn’t broken up? Honestly, it’s been on my mind a lot recently. Can we talk?
- *Send a cute picture from a good memory you share* This picture came up in my memories, and I can’t stop staring at it. I miss making memories like that with you. Can we get a drink sometime?
If You Want Closure
- There are a few things that I want to say as we move forward with our lives. My goal is for us to clear the air. Can I call you sometime?
- I was decluttering some stuff in my apartment and found a few of your things. Would you mind if I brought them over, and maybe we could chat? There are some things I want to say about our breakup.
- There was a lot I feel was left unsaid when we ended things, so it’s been difficult for me to heal. Would you be open to talking on the phone soon so we can get some closure?
- I know it’s in the past, but it would really help me move on if I better understood why our relationship ended. Let me know if you’d be willing to share your perspective with me.
If You Want To Be Friends
- Even though our romantic relationship didn’t work out, I still value our friendship. How do you feel about us checking in from time to time to catch up?
- I miss you. Would you be open to grabbing coffee sometime? Strictly as friends, promise.
- I just passed by our favorite trivia spot and thought of you. I miss laughing with you, would you want to team up for trivia again sometime soon?
- I just saw your Facebook update. Congrats on your new role at work! How are you liking it so far?
If You Don’t Want To Say Anything But “Hi”
- Just saying hi, I hope that all is going well.
- *Send a funny meme* This reminded me of you and I had to share. I really hope you’re doing well!
- Just ran into your friend Brandon! He said you’re really happy. Just wanted to say that I’m glad to hear it :)
- Saw a dog that looked just like yours today, it was so uncanny! Give her a big snuggle for me!
Dr. Satira Streeter, licensed clinical psychologist
Clara Artschwager, dating and relationship coach