Growing up, we were taught to “use our words” whenever we wanted to express what was on our mind, as opposed to pouting and acting generally miserable to get attention. That’s pretty sound advice coming from our elementary-school epoch; why is it that we leave that lesson behind as we get older? Particularly in romantic relationships, using our words is a step out of our comfort zone, since it is always easier to just send non-verbal signals and hope that our partners can read our mind. But how do you talk to your partner about sex?
Sex is an especially tricky topic for some couples to talk openly about, and discussing it either seems to put it into an analytical or critical view, neither of which are that appealing. And yet, many say communication is the secret to good sex.
Couples may put off these conversations time and again because bringing these topics to light can mean rocking the boat and digging up some potentially embarrassing or unpleasant feelings. In talking about things either sexy (let's have a threesome!) or serious (I was uncomfortable when you...), using tact is necessary. You wouldn’t want to drop a heavy-conversation bomb on your partner out of nowhere, and in order to share a erotic thought effectively, you have to start with getting yourself in the mood. If you'd like to begin having those conversations that aren’t always easy to start, here are a few ways to initiate or segue into it:
1. “Can I Ask You A Personal Question?”
You can be really playful with this. Use it innocuously the first few times (“Can I ask you a personal question? Do you want me to pick up something from Chipotle?”) and then mix it up as you initiate foreplay by asking them about their favorite place they like to be touched, or what they'd like to do to you in bed.
2. “I'd Like To Share Something With You. It’s About ____.”
This sets the stage, plain and simple, for you to take some time to talk. By stating what it’s about up front, they aren’t waiting with increasing suspense until the very end of the story to hear why you’re sharing this with them.
3. “I Thought It Was Kind Of Hot When…”
This is for the couple that celebrates creative thinking on the fly. Take that last heart-melting thing that your partner did, whether accidental or intentional, and share it with them as one of your new favorite turn-ons.
4. Make A Date That Keeps You Moving
If it’s a tricky conversation that is probably way more hyped up in your head than it is in real life, have a walk-and-talk chat about it. These long, leisurely walks are best done without any destination in mind, so you don’t need to cut your conversation short once you reach a certain place.
5. “I Was Reminded Of Something Today...”
If you’ve been dating your partner for some time, and there’s something that you really want to get off of your chest, this is a good segue into it. It doesn’t seem like you’ve been sitting on a big secret for your entire relationship, you've just had a jostle to your memory.
6. “Can I Tell You A Secret? I’ve Always Wanted To...”
This is for when you are sitting on a big secret, and it’s a super-hot fantasy that you can’t bear to keep to yourself any longer. This option is great for pillow talk, or for sharing in hushed voices in a very public place.
7. Don’t Underestimate The Sext
One big advantage that sexting has over face-to-face interaction: you can be as dirty as you want, and you can always pepper it with innuendo-mojis to offset any awkwardness.
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