No one wants to date a man-child, much less sleep with one. But some of the most immature men are also good at playing the game, and avoid showing their true colors right away. So if you've become intimate with such a person, what does a man-child do during sex? How can you spot a man-child in your midst?
Personal relationship trainer and expert Daniel Amis ticked off a few identifying factors. First off, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a definitely a duck. If you're not feeling satisfied, that's definitely a sign. If you feel uncomfortable about anything that is happening in the bedroom, that's a dead giveaway. If you feel as though there's a spotlight in the bedroom and it's pointed directly at your lover, leaving you to chill in the wings? Well, bad news: You're bedding a man-child. But if you aren't totally sure about it, but have some inkling of it, here are a few telltale signs to get to the bottom of things. And if you are indeed sleeping with a man-child, then perhaps we also have some inspiration to send him packing.
1. He Makes It About Him
A man-child cares only about himself in bed. This wham-bam attitude is pretty much the worst. "The self-centered, immature man only cares about himself and being pleased during intimacy," Amis says. What's worse, he carries an agenda with him to the bedroom. "He may become frustrated if things don't go the way he wants them to go," he says. Calling this scenario "frustrating," Amis says it's a no-win situation. You're sleeping with a man-child.
2. He's Totally Distracted
If he's in la-la land while you're rolling around with him, it's impossible to connect. If he takes a pause to peek at his phone, or he wants the TV on while you're in bed, it's downright insulting. But that's a man-child's M.O. He's happy to roll in for an hour or two, but he's never fully present with you. And when he is there, he's liable to make things awkward, as he's never totally available and so can't be in tune with you.
3. He Avoids Eye Contact
This goes along with not being totally present. Perhaps you want to lose yourself in the moment, trying to lock eyes with your man and experience true intimacy. Meanwhile, he's tallying up his winnings from poker last night, balancing his checkbook, or composing text messages. Who can say what lurks in the hearts of men-children?
4. He Kills The Mood
A man-child doesn't care that you've got Marvin Gaye on the ones and twos, candles lit, and flowers on the nightstand. Amis provides a whole litany of things a man-child can do to squash the mood, including but not limited to "bad kissing, making unusual or annoying sounds, begging and begging her to do something, answering the phone and talking to his bros, hurrying up to watch or play a game, talking about exes," and the list goes on. If he's rude enough to discuss how an ex did things in a particular way in the bedroom, or even go as far as calling you the wrong name, you are definitely in man-child territory. Head for the hills.
5. He Passes On Foreplay
"In this scenario, the man is not trying to warm the lady up to being intimate," Amis says. "All he cares about is pleasing himself in that moment." Not only is this ill-mannered, it's also likely to cause a less-than-pleasurable sexual experience for you. "There's no foreplay, and no light touching and kissing," says Amis. "He would be acting like a true horndog, and rush right to the main course without the appetizer." Going back to the issue of a man-child eschewing intimacy, this can be a real dealbreaker. If he's not interested in making this an enjoyable experience for you as well, then what's the point?
6. He Points Out Your Flaws
This is not a drill, folks. "Whether you hear an 'Ewww!' or 'What's that?' or 'What are those!?' the man-child looks for problems, and will seem very eager to make the woman he's intimate with feel bad or uncomfortable," Amis says. This stems from a lack of respect, and a predictable lack of self-esteem that is part and parcel of the man-child experience. He doesn't hesitate to cut you down in order to boost his own ego.
7. He's Overly Insecure
Instead of knowing his body and coming to bed with confidence (which is not to be confused with cockiness), a man-child can simper, acting extra-worried that his performance is lackluster. Amis says that a man-child is apt to say such things as, "Am I doing this right?" "I don't think I'm pleasing you," "I know ... I'm too small," "I know my body is not attractive," "I really do suck at this," and the like. Their aim? To get you to build them back up with flattery. "They say things out of insecurity and become very apologetic," says Amis, "which makes the partner feel bad and take them out of the mood." This should come as no surprise; that's just what a man-child does.
8. He Tries Things You're Not Comfortable With
If he hasn't secured your consent, this isn't just a man-child — this is an abuser. I include this because some women might write off a man's behavior in bed as just due to inexperience or thoughtlessness, not necessarily malice. But if a man tries something — anything — against your wishes in bed, he's taken a sharp turn away from man-child land and into the jurisdiction of abuse. Men-children are silly, careless and unfocused creatures whom we could all do best to avoid, in bed and in general — but they aren't necessarily doling out abuse, though some may. If you find yourself uncomfortable with anything a man-child does, between the sheets or anywhere else, he may be more than a man-child, and it's time to bid him a hasty adieu.
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