7 Gross Things That Happen When You Masturbate
Masturbating is a fun and healthy way to relax and explore your body, not to mention the added bonus of an orgasm. It gives you a chance to spend some quality time with yourself, and is a great way to de-stress, or even just beat boredom. Even though you know your own body better than anyone else, however, doesn't mean there aren't gross things that happen when women masturbate.
Although the topic of female masturbation is still taboo for some, fortunately we live in an increasingly feminist and sex-positive society. More than ever before, women are getting comfortable with owning their sexuality, talking about porn, and being proud of the fact that they masturbate. There's nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to self-love; it's healthy and natural, and obvs, orgasms feel good. Part of the fun of experimentation is learning what you do and don't like: Maybe you like a lot of friction, or maybe you're more into slow and gentle caressing. One thing is certain, though: Because the human body is unpredictable, there's a good chance that something weird could happen when you're pleasuring yourself.
Here are seven gross or just plain awkward things that might happen when you masturbate — but these don't mean it's not totally worth the risk.
1. Your Mom Calls
Or worse, if you live at home, your mom (or dad) WALKS IN. Pro tip: Get in the habit of A) locking your door and B) putting your phone on 'do not disturb' mode when you're planning some self-love. Nothing kills the mood faster than a reminder of the person who gave birth to you.
2. Your Period Surprises You
I can tell you one thing that's not fun: Taking your fingers and/or vibrator out of your vagina only to find them covered in blood. No wonder things felt more lubed up than usual down there. *Cringe* Then there's the super fun aftermath, where you have to make the choice between continuing as normal and making a huge, gross mess, or pausing to put a tampon in and then either giving up entirely or switching to clit-only stimulation.
3. Lube Spillage
Speaking of lube, if you're the kind of person who frequently uses lube during masturbation, you'll know that it's usually not mess-free. While it certainly enhances the experience, the inevitable "lube all over your sheets" thing is also a pretty gross reality for anyone who doesn't like a lengthy cleanup process.
4. Absentmindedly Logging Into Facebook And Seeing Your Friend's Face
This has happened to me more times than I can count. If I'm just getting warmed up, I might be casually scrolling through my phone (like the millennial I am), because I'm not even really in masturbation mode yet. So I'm chilling on Twitter or Facebook, then I see the innocent face of a friend from middle school, and I realize, "Oh wait, I'm totally touching myself right now. This is weird." Then I throw my phone as far away from me as possible and focus on the task at hand.
Luckily, this isn't nearly as awkward compared to when it happens with a partner, but that doesn't mean it doesn't throw you off a little. One weird squelching noise is all it takes for me to come back from the brink and have to start the process all over.
6. You Get A Hair In Your Vagina
Or your buttcrack. Either way, it's highly unpleasant to untangle a loose hair from your genitals/vibrator/hands while you're trying to focus on your orgasm. Maybe this is just a #LongHairProblem, but it's effing obnoxious.
7. The Porn Takes A Weird Turn
Let's be real: Porn can be a real gamble. You might think you know what you're in for based on the title, but next thing you know, you're watching something totally different than what you signed up for. There's nothing worse than the icky feeling of being on the edge of orgasm and then realizing, "Oh no, this porn plot twist is totally killing the mood." If that happens, all you can do is slam the laptop shut, close your eyes, and imagine something that actually turns you on.
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