We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off-limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: How to make sex more fun, intense, and intimate.
Q: My partner and I have been together for years. Sex is important to both of us, and we want to keep growing together in our relationship. We’re lucky that sex is pretty great between us, but we want it to be even better. We want to feel like we’re learning more about each other and deepening our connection. How can we make sex more intense?
A: Thanks for your question! It’s awesome that the two of you place such a high value on sex, and are continually looking for new ways to connect. Trust me, that is going to go such a long way in your relationship! Here are my tips for making sex as intimate, intense, and fun as possible.
1. Define What Intimacy Means To You
First things first: What exactly do you mean by intimacy? What about intensity? These are powerful words which mean different things to different couples. The first thing the two of you should do is talk about what intimacy means in your relationship. What does intense sex feel like, both in the moment and afterwards? What’s the kind of emotional connection you’re aiming for? What was the best sex you guys ever had like? You can’t work toward a goal until you know what your goal is!
2. Set Yourselves Up For Success
If you want to have intense sex, you have to have the right atmosphere for connection. It’s hard to bond with each other if your cell phones keep buzzing, or if your pooch is pawing at your bedroom door. You guys may already do a good job of creating the space for intimacy, but it’s an important tip to remember.
You can do things in the moment, like turn off all electronics, or set the mood with soft music and candles. You can also make bigger-picture changes, like creating a weekly date night or planning weekend getaways.
3. Talk During Sex
Talking to your partner while you're having sex is a great way to turn up the heat. Tell them what you want them to do to you. Tease them, and make them beg you to give them what they want. Describe to your partner exactly how their touches and kisses are making you feel. Even simple words of affection can make the two of you feel closer.
4. Make Eye Contact
Remarkably few people make sustained eye contact with each other during sex. It's kind of funny if you think about it; you're as physically close as two humans can be, yet you still can’t look each other in the eyes. Holding eye contact with your partner is one of the fastest paths to more intimacy. You may find yourself feeling surprisingly shy, so try gradually building up to longer periods of contact. Once you feel more confident, try keeping eye contact even as you orgasm!
5. Keep The Lights On
This is another quick but effective tip. Most people have sex at night with all of the lights off, so they don't have the opportunity to truly see each other while they're being intimate. Try having sex in the daylight, or keeping the lights on. Candles create a very nice glow, and you can easily modify the amount of light by adding more candles or blowing a few out.
See what it's like to actually look at each other while you're being intimate. Gaze at your partner's entire body. In particular, letting them get a good look at your genitals while the lights are on can be insanely intimate.
6. Breathe Together
Take a cue from Tantric sex, and try breathing together when you're being intimate. Press pause on whatever you're doing, and try to synchronize your breath for a few moments. Looking each other in the eyes will make this even more intense. Or try placing your hand over your partner's heart and feel them breathe in and out.
7. Play With Power Dynamics
Power play is a broad umbrella term that basically entails one person being in charge and the other ceding control. There are lots of different ways to do it, so do your research first and see what sounds most enticing to you.
The simplest thing you can do is say that one person is the boss for the evening, and the other person is at their mercy (make sure to talk about boundaries and agree on a safe word first). Or you can try playing with bondage, which increases the intensity. Putting your safety in another person's hands requires an incredible amount of trust. It's a vulnerable experience that can build a lot of intimacy.
8. Take Orgasm Off The Table
Orgasm is the cherry on top of the sundae when it comes to sex, but many people can get so overly goal-oriented that they don't end up enjoying the parts leading up to it. I work with a lot of women who have yet to have their first orgasm, and many of them can get so focused on trying to figure out how to get there that they inadvertently tune out the experience of being with their partner.
Try making it a rule that neither you nor your partner will orgasm during a particular encounter. See if it allows you to deepen the experience and enjoy each moment of being with each other.
9. Change Your Tempo
Really slowing down and taking your time with each other is a great way to feel more present in the moment and more connected with each other. Move your way through each activity slowly. Really try to savor the experience, as if you were enjoying a multi-course meal at a fancy restaurant. Or you can go to the other extreme and try speeding things up with an intense quickie.
10. Masturbate In Front Of Each Other
You don't even have to touch each other to create intimacy and intensity! Try masturbating in front of each other, either individually or at the same time. Masturbating is a personal activity (perhaps the most personal activity we engage in!), so bringing your partner into the experience can be very intense. This is an extremely erotic activity, and has the added benefit of helping each other learn how you like to be touched.
11. Above All Else, Invite Vulnerability
There’s one common thread running through all of these tips: being vulnerable with each other. Trusting in each other, exploring your boundaries with each other, and showing your full selves to each other is the best way to create more intimacy and intensity in your relationship. Keep allowing yourselves to take these risks, and your sex life will be sizzling for decades to come.
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