8 Harry Potter Characters That Don't Exist, But Should
I love the Harry Potter universe, but one of my favorite things to do with that which I love is to pick it apart until every corner of the world is exposed — calling out characters who might just be overrated as well as celebrating underrated characters. It's a fun thought experiment that ultimately leads to more appreciation for the books as a whole.
In my quest to break down the logistics of the Harry Potter universe, I found myself turning an eye to the society in which our beloved characters dwell. The entire series is full of rich characters with intriguing backstories, and most of them are professors, students, or aurors (depending on the book). While we are treated to tantalizing glimpses of the wizarding world as a whole, there are still a lot more corners that we have yet to explore. Hopefully we'll be able to see a little bit more thanks to Harry Potter and the Cursed Child or Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them , but until then, so many questions are left unanswered.
We know that the wizarding world is a robust society full magic, owls, and incredible candy, but what about the professions that seemed to have fallen through the cracks? I've compiled a list of eight nameless characters with jobs that definitely should have shown up in the Harry Potter series. You may never look at Harry's world in the same way again.
1. Wizard Lawyer
OK, I know that after the events of the series, Hermione pursues a career in Magical Law, so technically wizard lawyers do exist. But where are all the wizard lawyers in general? After re-reading the books when I was older, I found myself constantly wondering why Hogwarts wasn't being slapped with lawsuit after lawsuit given the fact that nearly every part of the school is extremely dangerous. Why hasn't Rita Skeeter been sued for libel? Why wasn't there a magical lawyer clamoring to represent Harry at his Wizengamot hearing? I know that Dumbledore eventually showed up to represent him, but that didn't exactly seem standard, especially once we get a glimpse at the hearing for muggle-borns in book seven. Sure, that was a kangaroo court, but there were so many more scenarios where arbitration was needed, thus the need for a wizard lawyer.
2. Wizard Entertainment Professionals
Why isn't there wizard TV? Are you telling me that an entire society of homeschooled wizards are going to get all their news from obviously biased newspapers? It's one of the strangest holes that exists in the Harry Potter universe. The wizarding world pretty closely parallels the muggle one, there exist books of fiction (although we only hear about one of them), there is a newspaper, Celestina Warbeck sings on the radio, and wizard board games are played. Yet, there seems to be a very large gaping hole in the world when it comes to entertainment, as we never hear about movies, television, or even theater. We know they have the technology thanks to the Quidditch World Cup, but what about everything else?
3. Wizard Publicist
We know no wizard publicists exist because if they did Gilderoy Lockhart would have had at least one of them. Without wizard publicists, people like Rita Skeeter were able to run wild with the reputations of half of the wizarding world, leaving Harry completely unaware that he could have sent a press release out at any time. With every smear campaign that happened over the course of the series, one has to wonder why no brave wizard ever stepped up to help Harry with a "Voldemort has definitely returned" press conference.
4. Wizard Book Editor
At first blush, you might be thinking "of course wizard book editors exist, there are wizard books, aren't there?" Yet one has to wonder. As a former book editor myself, I can't help but look at such titles as The Monster Book of Monsters and The Invisible Book of Invisibility and whatever precisely how the acquisition process went. There are a lot more nuances to book editing than editing the book; you must also keep sales and marketing in mind. How do you properly sell an invisible book? Or a book that bites you? It's fascinating. Also, who was the person who edited Lockhart's many books? I only ask because I would like to buy that particular witch or wizard a drink for putting up with that kind of ego.
5. Wizard Health and Safety Inspector
I hate to say it, and I will probably make enemies because of it, but Fred and George are a liability. Upon opening Weasley Wizard Wheezes, not only have they managed to sell what are essentially date rape drugs to minors (giving you that side-eye, Romilda Vane), but also supplied the Death Eaters with plenty of Peruvian Instant Darkness powder, which they used to their advantage. This is why there needs to be wizard health and safety inspectors. How do you know that Florean Fortescue's ice cream parlor isn't swarming with rats? You don't. How is Knockturn Alley allowed to function when a lot of the noble wizarding houses were getting raided? Good question. The answer? Lack of regulation. Come on, Kingsley Shacklebolt, get on it.
6. Wizard Guidance (and Sex Ed.) Counselor
This is another tough one, because from what I can understand, the heads of each house act as sort of de facto guidance counselors for their respective houses, but do you think that's enough? In a dangerous castle that serves as a boarding school for magical tees and tweens, you know that not only is there are lot of teasing going on, but there also has to be a lot of sex. While the castle is rigged to keep boys out of the girl's dormitory, the same thing cannot be said for keeping girls out of the boys. As for the teasing, we've seen students like Neville Longbottom get teased one of his own professors and no one bats an eye. House favoritism runs rampant throughout the school's politics, so perhaps some neutral wizard could potentially fulfill the job requirement? At least hire someone to hand out magical condoms, for Merlin's sake.
7. Muggle-Born Wizard Relations
You're just some normal 11-year-old about to head into fifth or sixth grade (depending on your birthday), everything's normal, and you're just waiting to get to school in September so you can trade Pokemon cards like every other kid — until one day a strange woman comes to your door and informs you that everything you know about yourself is wrong and you're actually a witch or wizard. Now it's time to go to a magical school in Scotland where you will learn loads of magic but will never have to do math again (unless you take Arithmancy). Sure, on paper this sounds completely awesome, but can you actually imagine how that would actually feel? All of your closest friends will no longer know you, your family won't understand a single thing about what your life has become, and in order to be yourself you're going to have to break away from them completely, or else live a lie for the rest of your life. Doesn't that sound a little hard for an 11-year-old? Sure, McGonagall is usually the one to head out and explain things the first time, but there should definitely be some sort of on-going Muggle-Born Wizard relations department that would be able to help these poor kids integrate better.
8. Wizard Psychologist
I say this with as much love as humanly possible: Every single character in Harry Potter needs therapy. From Harry's messed up childhood and continuing messed up adolescence, to Ron's inferiority complex, to Hermione dealing with being the victim of a hate crime — that's just the golden trio. At St. Mungos we witnessed many witches and wizards being doctors and nurses, so for the most part we know that physical ailments in the wizarding world are under control (although how do these people get certified? is there Wizard Med Schools?). Unfortunately what we never see is any dedication to mental health. Even dementors, physical manifestations of depression, are usually just treated with chocolate. It seems as though there are many spells to fix things in the Harry Potter universe, but which incantation fixes the heart?
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