Recently, I came to the alarming realization that I had never seen the OG Footloose film with Kevin Bacon in full. It's crazy that I haven't, because it has all the qualities perfect to be broken down in a movie re-watch: honestly, 1980s teen movies about dancing are my bread and butter. After I came upon this realization, I knew I had to see for myself if, in fact, I was right — was Footloose a film so ridiculous, it's perfect for a movie re-watch?
Verdict? YES, yet it’s primarily due to plot versus execution. The film follows rebel Ren (like the Chihuahua of Ren & Stimpy fame) in his quest to overthrow the super strict rules of small town Bomont. Bomont has laws against music, drinking, and above all, dancing... but also not all music, and I’m pretty sure people drink, and TBH, people dance all the time. Whatever, their laws are all weird, so Ren, rebellious minister’s daughter Ariel, and their less important best friends band together to make a change.
It’s really not that terrible, and it gets weirdly dark in moments. Still, I can only handle so many dancing montage before my eyes get stuck in a permanent roll. So without delay, here are all the chronologically documented weirdness in Footloose.
1. Young John Lithgow Lectures About How Rock N' Roll And Books Will Overturn Society
The congregation is enthralled.
2. Carrie Bradshaw To The Right!
"I had to wonder, was this new guy really footloose, or just fancy free?"
3. "Hey Girl What Up? Want To Terrify All Of Your Friends With A Horrific Stunt?"
But seriously, tho.
4. The Movie Then Slides Into A Passionate Debate About Literature, With Feathers Getting Ruffled About Kurt Vonnegut
Slaughterhouse Five apparently isn't a classic and Tom Sawyer is. Rookie move for Ren to show he has a differing opinion in this town.
5. "If You Ask Me, Ren Is A Total Fox."
Also your first cousin, so you know, not weird at all.
6. These Two Insult Each Other And Become Besties Instantaneously
Some people can form friendships based off anything.
7. "There A Law Against Loud Music?"
Uh, yeah, Ren, that's the entire premise of the movie. Music is against the law, dancing is against the law, alcohol is kind of against the law (I think?), it's basically a no-fun-allowed town.
8. But Then We Cut To The Reverend Playing Soft Classical Music
So who even knows? Maybe it's just rock and like... bad '80s power ballads that are banned in this town.
9. Ariel Shows Up To Show Ren Her Best "Washington Crossing The Delaware" Impression
10. This Legit Tractor Battle To Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out For A Hero," OMG
I can't believe this is an actual thing, yet it is possibly the best thing to ever happen in cinematic history.
11. Why Does This Guy Have Brown Hair And A Blonde Mustache?
There are so many follicle problems happening here.
12. Ren Has A Right To Be Upset, But Does That Really Excuse Driving While Drinking Beer?
WHY AREN'T THE POLICE TARGETING THE REAL ISSUES?
13. Working Out Angst The Only Way: Interpretative Dance In A Warehouse
I like... usually just get a pint of ice cream and cry it out, but to each their own.
14. "How Come You Don't Like Me? You Never Talk To Me At School. You Never Look At Me."
"I've literally been in this town for 48 hours."
15. She Then Tries To Impress Him By Trying To Stop A Train With Her Mind Or Something
Because she's, you know, completely insane. And guys dig that?
16. "I Can't Dance. At All."
No way, after living at the town where dancing is banned your entire life? Plot twist.
17. But It's OK, Nothing A Dance Training Montage Can't Fix, Which Includes...
... lessons on snapping ...
... skipping through the flowers ...
... ballroom dancing in the gymnasium ...
... and whatever this weird monkey technique is.
18. Pause For Uncomfortable Fight Scene Between Ariel And Her Boyfriend
I thought this was a lighthearted romp about standing up to authority through the power of dance, why do you have to get real on me, Footloose?
19. Ren Finally Confronts The Reverend About Appealing The Dancing Law By Reading Bible Passages About The Glory Of Dancing.
And everyone's expression just like, "Yeah, sick Bible burn."
20. It Doesn't Work And Ren Is Stuck Shoveling Dried Dog Food At His Job The Next Day
Or whatever he does. Something with a warehouse. Angst-filled aerobics.
21. The Townspeople Also Respond Rationally By Burning All The Books In The Library
I'm sorry, all the non-Tom Sawyer books.
22. "That Was Your Friend Ren. He Came Here To Ask Me If He Could Take You To A Senior Prom."
"I said no, of course, and then chased him out of the house."
23. This Is The Most Conservative Town In America, Yet All The Local Teens Have Motorcycles
And those two-wheel death machines aren't that easy to come by, too.
24. "You Look Very Nice." "Oh, No." "Yes, You Do. Yes, You Look Very Nice. Yes, You Do. You Look Wonderful."
Does she, tho?
25. Poodle Hair
26. He Didn't Match His Cummerbund To Her Dress Like A Normal Prom Date
Break up with him immediately.
27. Pause For Uncomfortable Last Minute Brawl That Doesn't Add Anything To The Story
Again, Footloose, why do you have to be that guy?
28. In Spite Of Being Banned From Dancing For Most Of Their Adult Life, Everyone Is Basically Fred Astaire
THIS SEEMS SUSPECT.
Anyway, if you're sick of watching Dirty Dancing for the millionth time, definitely check out Footloose with the one and only Baconator.
Images: Paramount Pictures (50)