Weddings can be a lot of fun: The food! The music! The dancing! The fancy outfits! The guests, however, can get a little irritating — and believe you me, there are a few things from them that women are tired of hearing at weddings. It doesn't matter if we're single or taken; some nosy relative or drunk friend always manages to push our buttons with intrusive comments and questions about our love lives, our ovaries, or our eating habits. Can't I just have a cocktail and a good time in peace? Maybe I'll hook up with the DJ later. Maybe. And if I do, I won't be telling you about it anyway.
I think the problem arises mostly out of the fact that when you attend a big, beautiful, flowery wedding, everyone assumes that you want the same — the fancy church, the poofy cupcake dress, 24 bridesmaids, and a chocolate fountain. (I wouldn't mind that last one.) They think you're sitting there crying inside, waiting for your own magical day (even if that scenario couldn't be further from the truth). So instead of sitting there quietly and enjoying the dinner rolls, Aunt Rose starts to plan your wedding, insisting you name your first daughter after her. Then you end up spending the rest of the reception hiding in the bathroom. It's no fun for anyone.
These 11 things? I'm sick of them. You're sick of them. We're all sick of them.
1. "You're next!"
I love how you're thinking about my future more than I am. The only thing I'm thinking about is how many pieces of cake I can eat before people start talking.
2. "When are you two going to tie the knot?"
3. "I've got the perfect guy for you."
That's what they all say.
4. "It's all right. You still have time."
OH THANK GOD. I was really worried about that.
5. "Is all that food for you?!"
6. "Don't worry. One day, it'll be your turn."
I say the same thing at funerals.
7. "You'll find it when you aren't looking."
If I hear that one more time...
8. "You're looking in the wrong places."
Am I? I checked in the trunk, under the table, behind the TV...
9. "Your cousin has three kids already."
My cousin has never heard of birth control.
10. "You're too picky."
I'm looking for a life partner, not a pack of toilet paper.
11. "Never settle."
So you literally think I'll be alone forever. Thanks?