10 Reasons To Put Your Sex Life On Pause

Having an active sex life is seen as one of the cornerstones of happiness and health, and it really can be. It feels good to hook up with your crush or to connect with a long-term partner by hopping into bed. But did you know it can be equally beneficial to stop having sex?

In many ways, taking a break from sex is an act of self-care, says Naomi Zelin, APCC, a sex and relationship therapist at Humbly Elevated. There are plenty of reasons to say no, whether it’s due to something physical, mental, emotional, or all of the above. If it isn’t making you happy, or if it’s complicating your life, it makes sense to step away.

Taking a break from sex — whether for a short period of time or indefinitely — might mean deleting apps, breaking up with your situationship, or telling your partner that you need time to yourself. The latter can be difficult, but it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, says Holly Nelson, LPC, NCC, a trauma-informed sex therapist and founder of The Connection Couch. It just means you are listening to your needs, and the right person will understand.

If you’ve been toying with the idea or have already followed through with it and feel bad about it, keep reading for 10 reasons to stop having sex that are great for your well-being.

1. You Just Don’t Want To

Let’s start by saying you don’t need a “legitimate reason” to stop having sex. If you don’t want to, that’s OK. If you aren’t a big fan, that’s OK. If you rarely think about it or don’t want to prioritize it, that’s OK. As Zelin reminds us all, “no” is a complete sentence, and that means you don’t have to explain a thing — to yourself or others.

An indefinite break can also seem enticing if you’ve been unimpressed by your sex life. After a string of bad hookups, it’s only natural to want to hold off until you’re truly excited to try again.

2. It Doesn’t Feel Right

While there’s the good type of “hurt” during sex, there’s also the bad kind. “Pain during sex, or dyspareunia, is one of the top things I hear in my practice, and painful sex is never something to encourage,” Zelin says. “This pain can stem from infections, like yeast infections and vaginismus, or it can be more psychological.”

Zelin says a lack of intimacy in a relationship could be to blame. If you aren’t connecting with a partner, are no longer in love, or feel hurt by something they said, your body can react in surprising ways. Emotional pain can manifest physically, she says, and it can also make sex uninteresting. When that happens, it makes sense to push pause until you’re in a better place.

3. You Keep Getting UTIs

Burning, lower abdominal pain, frequent urination. If you have a urinary tract infection (UTI), which often causes these types of symptoms, taking a break is a good call. “The best thing to do is to [...] wait until you can get treatment,” says Kai Korpak, LCSW, a psychotherapist and assistant director of training and wellness at Best Therapies.

According to the US National Library of Medicine, 80 percent of UTIs occur within 24 hours after intercourse, and one reason is that sex introduces bacteria to the genital area.

While there are things you can do to prevent a UTI, taking sex out of the equation is a great place to start. “If you try to keep pushing through, you will not only be potentially worsening your infection, but passing it onto others,” he says.

4. You Just Had Surgery

“Having a child or recovering from surgery causes trauma on the body and that healing takes time,” Korpak says. “Pushing to have sex too soon after a surgery or childbirth can lead to associating sex with pain, which will further delay the recovery time.”

That’s why it’s a good idea to wait a while — or look for other ways to have fun by yourself or with your partner — until you’re fully healed. As Zelin says, “It is also perfectly normal and appropriate to need time and space to feel comfortable in your body.”

5. You Aren’t In The Mood

Low libido — aka the decreased desire for sexual activity — is another factor that can tank your interest, and you may decide to lean into that. “Our body’s natural hormone levels fluctuate as we age, and this can shift our desire for sex and physical intimacy,” says Korpak. “Certain medications can also cause our body to have a lower libido or make climax difficult.”

If it bothers you, it’s something you bring up at your next doctor’s appointment. In the meantime, it’s OK to take a break from hooking up until you sort it all out.

6. You’re In A New Era

Let’s say you just started a new job, moved to a new city, or launched a brand new business. If you’re extra busy or are going through a major change, sex might end up on the back burner — and for good reason.

“Staying away from sex can give you much-needed space to find new routines and feelings,” says Sofie Roos, a sexologist and couples therapist. Freeing yourself from the time-consuming chore of scrolling on apps and looking for a date can feel like a much-needed exhale. Reclaim that time to focus on you.

7. You Need To Focus

If you have a big meeting coming up, a test, or want to make headway on a hobby, abstaining from sex until you get it all done could help. According to Roos, a lack of sex can increase your focus, energy, and even build some much-needed tension that you can use to your advantage.

Imagine channeling all of your sexual energy into a creative project. You can see how it might drive you to compete it. If you want, you can also treat it as a reward once you finish a project and hit “submit.” Once you’re done, text your partner and tell them to come over.

8. You’re Dealing With Trauma

According to Tracy Vadakumchery, LMHC, a licensed therapist based in New York, choosing to stop having sex in order to heal from trauma — or to stop disassociating during the deed — can be very important on your road to recovery.

“It's not uncommon to feel guilty or ashamed for needing to take a break, but it doesn't make you inadequate or less of a functioning adult,” she says. “Sometimes it can be a sign that you enjoy sexual intimacy so much that you want to be intentional and mindful about it. That's not a bad thing!”

9. It’s Complicating Things

Nothing clouds your judgment quite like a steamy hookup with a situationship. One minute you’re convinced you’re breaking up with them. Next, you’re lying beside them in bed. If you’re struggling to free yourself from a toxic connection or want to view it through clearer eyes, skipping the sex can be a big help.

10. You Feel Pressured

According to Nelson, it’s a good idea to stop having sex if your partner keeps pressuring you. “This becomes a nasty feedback loop: one person constantly pushes for it, the other doesn't want it at all, and the latter doesn't feel empowered to say no, so they give in out of guilt or obligation,” she tells Bustle.

If you feel pressured or anxious at the thought of having sex, talk with your SO about it, and spell out your reasons. Nelson says to make it clear that the break is about resetting and reconnecting with yourself — not punishing or avoiding. It may also help to set a timeframe to revisit the conversation as a way to ease your partner’s anxiety that a breakup is looming.

It also doesn’t mean you need to fully abstain from touch. “Many couples, especially heterosexual ones, choose to take penetration off the table and focus on other forms of physical intimacy,” she adds. “Still, we can only go as fast as the slowest person in the room, so it's ultimately up to the person who needs a break.”

Sources:

Naomi Zelin, APCC, sex and relationship therapist at Humbly Elevated

Kai Korpak, LCSW, psychotherapist, assistant director of training and wellness at Best Therapies

Sofie Roos, sexologist, couples therapist with Passionrad

Tracy Vadakumchery, LMHC, licensed therapist based in New York

Holly Nelson, LPC, NCC, trauma-informed sex therapist, founder of The Connection Couch