The Jay Z & Rachael Ray Fan Fiction That Nobody Asked For, But We All Deserve

I've been writing fan fiction for over a decade now, wondering if there was some higher purpose for it — and now that I have written a Jay Z and Rachael Ray fan fiction that nobody wanted or asked for, I finally understand what that higher purpose is. If you've been living under a rock and somehow missed both the metaphorical earthquake of Beyoncé releasing Lemonade and the many, many aftershocks of fans speculating whether or not Jay Z cheated on Beyoncé, then first off, wow. What's it like not sucking up the internet through an intravenous tube? Second off, to bring you up to speed: Beyoncé sings about a "Becky with the good hair," who fans of the Beyhive immediately guessed was a reference to the woman Jay Z might have cheated on her with. Adding fuel to the fire, fashion designer Rachel Roy posted an Instagram image with a caption about "good hair, don't care" that seemed to imply she might be the "Becky" in question.

It took approximately an eighth of a millisecond for the Beyhive to descend on her Instagram, spamming her comments section with lemon and bee emojis, because reasons. The hilarious twist? Some of them were deeply, deeply confused, and rather than spamming the fashion designer Rachel Roy, they went after everyone's favorite 30-minute meal wizard and talk show host, Rachael Ray. After Rachel Roy's Instagram went private, fans started spamming Rachael Ray's Twitter and Instagram in the name of Queen Bey — and the results were pretty hilarious.

Naturally, this weird turn of events had a lot of people wondering ...

Wonder no more, America. I have done the work for you. PRESENTING the world's very first Rachael Ray x Jay Z fan fiction, brought to you by someone who would like to take this opportunity to apologize to their mom (aka, me). Without further ado, I present:


“Oh, wow,” says Rachael Ray, “your spoonula* looks so good in my stoup*.”

Jay Z takes another bite of Rachael Ray’s thick, creamy stoup. “We have to be careful,” he warns her. “She can taste the dishonesty. It’s on my breath, I can’t pass it off so cavalier.”

“And I'm making Chilaquiles with Black Beans and Chorizo, Pico, and Avocado Crema on today's show!” Rachael Ray cries.

Jay Z groans. “If you keep talking like that, we’re gonna need some extra — “

“E-V-O-O,” they say together, their eyes locking in a moment so intimate that every member of the Beyhive shuddered in the distance and typed a lemon into someone’s Instagram comments without knowing why.

Rachael Ray turns away. “Lunch: Asparagus, fava, peas, & leek soup,” she whispers. “Served w/grilled gruyere, camembert, ham, creme fraiche w/ dijon.”

“Good Lord,” Jay Z mutters to himself. “And to think I was trying to DM Becky with the good hair when I found you here.”

Rachael Ray smiles at her prey. “YUM-O.”

*Spoonula: a combination spoon x spatula that Rachael Ray sells on her website; also the unconfirmed cousin of Count Dracula.

*Stoup: Rachael Ray's word for when something's consistency is not quite stew, but not quite soup. Or, not quite cheating with Beyoncé's husband, but not quite not cheating with him, either.

Well, there you have it, America. This is what some apostle shows me at the gates of heaven right before the lever gets turned and a hole in the clouds descends me to hell. In the meantime, can we all appreciate the sass of Rachael Rey's only (supposed) response so far to this controversy?

If Jay Z's last words on his death bed aren't "It was Rachael Ray all along," I personally want my money back.

For a dramatic reading of the above fan fic, click here.

Image: Rosanne Salvatore/Bustle