As a Potterhead growing up stateside, I'm always going to feel low key robbed. One of my most emotionally-charged childhood memories was a friend of mine logically telling me that there was no point in waiting for a Hogwarts letter, because we didn't live in the UK, where all the Hogwarts student body funneled in from. Now that Redditors have done us the service of imagining what Harry Potter would be like set in America, I can (kind of) put that decade plus worth of angst to bed.
See, there was no promise of Ilvermorny in the US back in the '90s, when we first started dreaming of a dorkier life. As far as we knew, if you wanted to be a witch or wizard, you had to go about breaking some airtight immigration laws to do it. I remember many a fan fiction writer making up their own schools to cope — or just straight up transplanting Hogwarts to, like, Chicago, because why not? Well, friends. I'm about to tell you why not — nay, the entire internet is about to tell you why not. There are many reasons why our favorite boy wizard was better off living across the pond, despite sharing it with a homicidal maniac hellbent on #wrecking him. Here's what Hogwarts would have been like if it had been set in the U.S., according to Reddit:
1. Hogwarts Would Be "Under Construction" In Perpetuity
A user pointed out that Harry Potter is technically already set in the '90s, but the point still stands: we are a very young country that is SUPER into renovating everything, and also ridiculously slow at it. Take it from someone who went to the University of Virginia, which has been under construction for 197 years. (Help.)
2. Madam Rosmerta Would Have Her Work Cut Out For Her
We are also the country that was most ready to embrace the butter-in-coffee trend that came out of Australia, so there's a ton of merit to this. "Add butter" is the solution to most life problems, I've found.
3. Our Spells Would Be Much More 'Murica
I mean yeah, we'd be saying the spell wrong — but think about how much easier all the things are to lift here with all that #FREEDOM!!!! in the air.
4. Our Magical Instruments Would Be A Little, Er, Different
Literally the entire series would be a not-so-blatant metaphor for gun laws, and it would probably be banned in 48 percent of schools for it.
5. In Fact, The Series Might Never Have Happened At All
6. Harry Would Be A Washed Up Insta-Famous Celeb In No Time
7. The Government Would Be Hella More Involved
TO BE FAIR, Redditor BlueAndOrange92 sagely pointed out that if Potions ingredients had been regulated, Voldemort wouldn't have been born in the first place. It is extreeeeemely shady that people can go around willy-nilly making love potions in the Potter-verse, and that there seem to be no consequences (or, like, any kind of detection?) for it.
8. Education Would Be Way Less Of A Priority
*throws shade at every major university in America*
9. Public Transport To School Would Be A Mess
The Brits have dibs on the trains and police boxes and actually cool ways to travel. We have lame sedans that don't fly and sit in Muggle traffic for 86 years while slowly killing the environment with emissions. Hooray!
10. Real Talk, Though — The Violent Crime Trend Would Of Course Affect The Wizarding World Here, Too
It is a grim but real shame that the U.S. has a terrible (and recent) history with mass shootings that other advanced countries just plain don't.
11. Fawkes Would Be A Different Species
Fawkes would also burst into Fourth of July fireworks instead of flames.
12. The Realest Of The Real Of All Changes
Gringott's would be HELLA easier to manage and all the dragons would nap 24/7 because what even would be the point. R.I.P., Harry's fortune from Sleekeazy's Hair Potion.
Images: Warner Bros; Giphy; Reddit