11 Names You Wanted To Call Your Future Child In The '90s

Those of us who grew up in the '90s had a lot of near misses. That is to say, we thought a lot of things were super cool and awesome that did not age well. In fact, most of what we liked in the '90s is utterly cringeworthy today. From tastes in music to our fashion sense, in some regards it's really important to look back and really learn lessons from the '90s. Looking back at the '90s can teach us so much about how we live our lives. Like not to put too much effort into beauty trends (imagine the money you could have saved on all that hair mascara!), or not making the bold choice to name a child something era-specific.

Names you wanted for your baby in the '90s are, sadly, not names you'd want to be calling a teenager today. Imagine if you had've gotten pregnant in the '90s, and still had to call your kid something that recalled a well-dated song from the '90s? Or if a '90s show inspired baby names you chose. It would surely lead to some amount of schoolyard teasing, and you know your friends would probably be having a little chuckle to themselves. And if everyone isn't as mean as I just made them out to be, in your own mind you might have some subconscious, nagging regret about not just calling your kid Kate or Sam, or something classic like that. Here are 11 things you wanted to call your future child in the '90s that you're glad you don't want now.

1. Buffy

Calling your kid Buffy seemed like a good decision in the '90s, when the name was synonymous with ass-kicking, but now there are not only people who don't know who Buffy is (I know, I know), but it kind of also sounds like Fluffy.

2. Kurt

We all loved Kurt Cobain in the '90s, and it's not a stretch to name a child after your favorite artist. However. Kurt's demise isn't exactly something you'd want to be reminded of every time you looked at your child, now, would it?

3. Chandler

To quote Joey: "I didn't want to bring this up, but Chandler is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It's not even a name; it's barely even a word. Okay? It's kinda like chandelier, but it's not! All right? It's a stupid, stupid non-name!"

4. Beyoncé

Giphy

When Beyoncé was just one third (or one fourth, depending on your age) of Destiny's Child, naming your kids after her seemed cool. Now that she's the biggest super star in the whole world and her name is so unique, it would be tough going to share that name. (Just ask the poor commenters on this Humans of New York post.)

5. Wayne

Apologies to all the Waynes out there. It's not that Wayne is a bad name, it's just that when you say "Wayne" you hear "...World! Party time! Excellent!" This association cannot be undone (nor should it be, just don't call your kid Wanye).

6. Tiger Lily

When Michael Hutchence and Paula Yates (RIP to both) named their daughter Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily in 1996, even then we knew how silly the whole thing sounded — not to mention culturally appropriative. To any would-be copy cats from the '90s, thankfully these days a simple "Lily" would suffice.

7. Cher

There are only two Chers. Cher Horowitz, and Cher. Sorry, your baby can never be Cher, no matter how much '90s you wants her to grow up to be a spunky Alicia Sliverstone in a two-piece.

8. Ginger

It would have been hard to call your kid Sporty, Baby, Posh or Scary, so you had to go with the one name choice that was also, well, a name. There's nothing wrong with Ginger, but naming your kid after a Spice Girl's nickname and not even their real name? That's the kind of thing that haunts you.

Psst, check out our podcast, The Chat Room, for talk about all things internet.

9. Esmerelda

It's pretty if you thought of it on your own, but if you didn't, naming your kid after a cartoon was questionable at best. Real talk: you only wanted to call your future daughter Esmerelda because you thought she'd have huge green eyes and long black hair and be the prettiest doll ever, didn't you?

10. Dawson

Giphy

Not after the Dawson cry face. There's no way you can call a kid Dawson without conjuring up images of that ugly cry...

11. Simba

Your kid, I hope, is not a lion. We all wanted to be a little closer to J.T.T., and I understand that, I really do. But it's better to just call your cat Simba, and give your child a human name. Aren't you glad you grew up and the '90s ended sometimes?

Images: The WB; Giphy (6)