Ever notice how some people seem to have all the luck when it comes to dating? They put everyone else — those of us who would like to go on more dates — to shame. All it takes is one step inside the bar (or even out their front door), and they are instantly swarmed with potential partners.
OK, that may be a bit of an overstatement. But some people really do seem to have it easy. The cool thing to remember, however, is this — those who score dates aren't any more magical or alluring than you. They are simply doing some things right, while you are doing some things wrong.
I know you aren't doing anything wrong on purpose, but there are certain bad habits that can make dating more difficult. One of them is waiting around for a relationship, like it'll come find you. Of course, it'd be nice if life worked that way, but it rarely does. In fact, if you want to go on more dates, you have to put in the effort.
"See your dating life as a part-time job if you want to see results — results being your ultimate date or partner," says Kim Chronister, Psy.D., in an email to Bustle. Chronister suggests carving out an hour or two a day to do something social, as this will get you out and mingling. That's what you should do. Take a look at the list below for things you should stop doing ASAP if you have trouble getting dates.
1. Allowing A Negative Mindset
If you have this whole "woe is me" vibe going on, you might find it's 100 times harder to meet someone new. "Negative thoughts like 'I'm never going to find someone' or 'Dating sites don't work' ... are maladaptive and will negatively affect your behaviors," Chronister says. "When you have a negative thought about dating, you feel defeated before you start and you become less likely to go out and find a date." See? Not good.
2. Being Way Too Picky
Have you ever scrolled through dozens of dating profiles, only to feel utterly overwhelmed by the decided lack of interesting people? If so, you're probably being too picky. "Analyzing each [person's] profile with a fine toothed comb, looking for reasons not to respond to a message or meet [them] for coffee isn't doing you any favors," said Liz Spornick on Marie Claire. "A profile is just a digital snapshot of someone, and does not tell the whole story." So be willing to give more people a chance; you might just be surprised.
3. Sitting At Home All By Your Lonesome
The funny thing about meeting new people is you actually have to go meet new people. Sure, you can stay home and try online dating. But even then, you'll eventually have to put on pants and meet up for a drink. Don't be afraid (or too lazy) to do this. Get out there, chat people up, and then revel in your ever-expanding dating pool.
4. Tirelessly Sticking To Your "Type"
Yes, we all have our types — the guy in the band, the girl with glasses. And yet, holding strong to a specific list of characteristics can be very limiting. Be open to new people. "Branch out and see what happens," Spornick said. You'll open up your options, meet cool people, and definitely land more dates.
5. Interviewing Your Date
I know, it's tempting to push past all the rubbish small talk and get to the facts. (Is this person worth your time? Do they see themselves in a small country cottage, or an apartment in the city?) And yet, unsurprisingly, it can be incredibly off-putting when someone gets all interview-y on a first meeting. It's much better to let this info come up organically, according to David Wygant on HuffingtonPost.com, like after that first month of dating.
6. Feeling Like Giving Up
If it's been a hot minute since your last date, then it's totally understandable to feel like giving up. But if dating is important to you, and you'd really like to go on more, you have to push past this negative feeling. "When you don't feel like going to a hiking or bicycling meet-up group where there will be single people, do it anyway," Chronister says. "When you have tried dating sites and you feel like it's a waste of time, do it anyway. When your friend invites you to an event, and you aren't in the mood, go anyway and open your body language." Get it? Good.
7. Acting Super Serious
You are a whole and interesting person, whether you're in a relationship or not. So try not to let this dating thing get too serious and heavy. The next time you find yourself chatting up a cute guy or gal, remember to have fun with it. The moment people see the real you is the moment you'll get asked out on more dates.
8. Going To The Same Hangout Spots
Most of us have go-to hangout spots where we cruise for potential dates — the bar being the most obvious one. But if you keep coming up empty, time and time again, it may be time to switch things up. Be more open to meeting people in different locales, such as at work, the gym, or the grocery store. You might have more luck, and may even be surprised to find these people are more your type.
9. Letting Your Dating Profile Get Stale
If you aren't getting asked on any dates, it could be that your profile is in need of a quick update. Maybe some new photos, or an updated list of your awesome hobbies? Just be sure you're honest about it all, and show your true self. "The most attractive quality you can have online (or off!) is confidence," said Spornick. "Upload photos that show you in your best light — smiling, having fun, living life, and enjoying your hobbies." I promise, people will find it wildly attractive.
10. Going Out In Huge Groups
It's incredibly difficult (not to mention nerve-racking) to approach a person who is surrounded by friends, according to Julie H. Case on Match.com. So if you constantly head out to the bar with a gaggle of five friends, trying going with only one or two. It'll make it much easier for people to chat you up.
11. Overwhelming Your Date With Info
Of course, the main goal here is to be yourself. But when it comes to meeting new people, there is one thing that can be off-putting, and that is saying too much too fast. "Try to speak at a steady pace and practice finding the rhythm in your words," suggested J. Cameron Gantt on YourTango.com. Moments of silence and "awkward" pauses will only let your words sink in. And when they do, it will allow the chance for the other person to realize they should totally ask you on a date.
Remember, scoring more dates isn't about tricking people into liking you, or not being yourself. It's simply about switching up old, bad habits and creating new, better habits. Once you do, the dates will come rolling on in.
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