Having a sister (or, if you’re like me, two!) in the ‘90s was great for a lot of reasons. Stealing amazing clothes! Borrowing CDs! Belting Celine Dion in the car! But there were a few things you would never forgive your sister for back in the day. Betrayals so deep, cruelties so wrong that even the greatest insult of all time — “You’re a virgin who can’t drive” (obvs) — would fail to fully convey your rage.
I have great relationships with my wonderful sisters now, but in 1997… not so much. Basically anything — from walking into my room uninvited to insulting my pink, glittery platform jellies (which were COOL, thank you very much) — were grounds for a fight. Let’s just say that we were less like D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle Tanner (Helping each other deal with kindergarten! Vowing to put sisters before boys!), and more like Kat and Bianca in 10 Things I Hate About You (that is, really mean to each other sometimes, despite the fact that there was love deep down). Thankfully, these days we relive our ‘90s heyday by rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Clueless, rather than reenacting the constant squabbling that characterized our ‘90s adolescence. (And, obviously, we still belt Celine Dion in the car. We’re not monsters.)
Keep reading for 18 unforgivable sins your sister committed in the ‘90s (and if you did these things to your sister, well, no one needs to know, right?):
1. Stealing, and then SCRATCHING, your copy of Jagged Little Pill.
You know how angry Alanis is in “You Outta Know”? Her rage PALED in comparison to your fiery wrath.
2. Stealing the Lunchable that had been earmarked for you.
Everyone knows that Lunchables are the most desirable of all prepackaged ‘90s culinary delicacies. So your sister stealing it, right out of the fridge, without a care in the world? That betrayal runs deep.
3. Hacking into your email account and reading all of the emo emails passed between you and your middle school crush.
OK, so you probably should have known better than to use your pet’s name as a password, but who can blame you? It was the ’90s — we didn’t have crazy multi-symbol, mixed case passwords back then.
4. Telling you that you’re the Quinn in the relationship.
How dare she? How dare she?
5. Playing “Sunny Came Home” on blast continuously every day for a month.
It’s not that you hate the song — Who could hate that song? — but after your sister plays the folky 1996 hit for the one bajillionth time in a row, the lyrics about Sunny wanting to burn down her house start to resonate in a weird way. She sings, “Dry is good and wind is better/ Count the years, you always knew it/ Strike a match, go on and do it…” and you wonder, “Would that apply to boomboxes, too?... I’m asking for a friend.”
6. Convincing you that, yes, you’d look great with chunky highlights.
If those pictures ever come to light, you will disavow them with every shred of your being. EVERY SHRED.
7. Repeatedly murdering you in Oregon Trail.
Yes, of course, two of the joys of Oregon Trail were (1) seeing how fast you could make everyone in your wagon die of dysentery and (2) naming your fellow travelers after people you knew. But the glee with which your sister named passengers after you and then killed them off was a little disturbing. (We’ll just pretend you never did the same thing to her.)
8. Insisting that Joey should end up with Dawson.
9. Getting the same Bath and Body Works fragrance as you.
Everyone knows that there is absolutely NO WAY that a two people in the same house can have the same scent. What if you both smelled like Sun-Ripened Raspberry? It would be anarchy.
10. Taping over your X-Files recordings.
How are you possibly supposed to ship Mulder and Scully when some twerp keeps recording over your tapes?!
11. Running down the batteries on your Game Gear.
Game Gears required a lot of AA batteries (six, to be precise), so when your sis ran down the power, it was a major annoyance. (To be fair, you could only blame her so much — those six batteries only powered the game for three to five hours. The Game Gear may have had a cool color display, but it guzzled power like no one’s business.)
12. Borrowing your favorite mix tape and getting it unspooled.
In the ‘90s, mix tapes were still kind of pain to make (you had to painstakingly transfer each song you wanted from CDs, using a boombox or stereo), so messing one up was a major “No.”
13. Putting “Zit Stickers” on you in your sleep.
Zit Stickers were part of Girl Talk, a ‘90s truth-or-dare game directed toward young girls. If you didn’t take a dare, you were punished with a zit sticker, sending the *great* message to girls that acne is something you should def feel bad about. If you had sisters, there was 0 percent chance that those Zit Stickers would not be deployed outside of the game.
14. Kicking you off the Internet so she can talk on the phone.
What could she and her friends possibly be talking about? Doesn’t she know that you have VERY important fanfic to read??
15. Ripping the tags off of your Beanie Babies.
THANKS, SISTER. Now my college fund is DOOMED.
16. Double-daring your to eat six Warheads at once.
I mean, you agreed to it, but that’s only because you can’t turn down a double-dare. Your taste buds have never recovered.
17. The Nintendo Injustice.
Your sister is good at Nintendo, you are not, and so it goes like this: She plays Super Mario 3 (as Mario, obvs) for an hour and a half, while you wait, bored out of your mind. When you finally get your Luigi turn, you die within 5 minutes. It’s not your sister’s fault that you suck at video games, but that doesn’t mean you can’t resent her forever.
18. The most insulting of finger signs.
The dreaded “L,” clapped against the forehead. To quote a fellow middle sister: How rude.