If you're still recovering from all the feelings you have from Harry Potter and the Cursed Child , clap your hands! (CLAP. CLAP.) Seriously, guys, as a person who read it all immediately after the midnight release on July 31, I don't think I've suffered that much emotional whiplash since the seventh book. There is no feeling quite as unique as attempting to devour an entire enormous Harry Potter book in one sitting, and no sleep more decisive as the immediate CLUNK to your consciousness after you finally put it down.
And yet that post-Potter recovery sleep is never enough to process all of your emotions or all of your many, many questions about things that are left to interpretation in the text. I mean, it's this very reason why fan fiction had a major resurgence in the late '90s and early 2000s — fans want answers, dammit, and if they don't immediately get them, they're more than happy to provide the answers themselves. Nothing proves this quite like the Harry Potter fandom, where fan fiction and meta theories on Tumblr and fan art are still as abundant as ever (After all this time? ALWAYS).
But still, there are some things glaring enough that there is not enough fan fiction in the world to soothe our aggressive curiosity. Here are all the questions Potterheads still have after reading the script to Harry Potter and the Cursed Child:
Where Is My Precious Baby Teddy Lupin?
I am so salty about this. Rowling went to great, angsty lengths to set up a parallel between Teddy and Harry's origins, and it all seemed for naught.
What Was Sass Queen Rose Doing During All Of This Nonsense?
Aside from briefly not existing, that is.
Also, How Did Hermione, Queen Of Fairness And Justice, Have A Kid So Mean?
More to the point: how did Ron, King of the Dorks, have a kid so cool?
Wait, Hermione Ended Up Being A Shrew Because She Didn’t Marry Ron?
Ah, yes. Because our bookish, heroic, independent, famously just icon would turn into Snape incarnate ... because of a boy. (This essay by Hermione Expert Kadeen Griffiths, "Hermione Deserved Better In Cursed Child ," perfectly breaks down all the weirdness of this.
Uh, Why Weren’t Albus And Scorpius An Item? Genuinely, Actually … Why?
There were approximately infinity moments between Al and Scorp that I wanted to scream "JUST KISS ALREADY" at the top of my lungs, and YET.
Where The Heck Was The Trolley Witch When ALL THE OTHER NONSENSE WENT DOWN DURING HARRY'S SCHOOL YEARS?
"Lololol, don't jump off the train, kids, but if a Dementor tries to suck out your soul or a Slytherin petrifies you and kicks you in the face, you're on your own!!"
Why Would Albus Give One Flying Galleon About Cedric Diggory?
I get it, I get it, they're both "the spare". But it was really just a bad nickname for Cedric, who by all other accounts was a Golden Boy and had nothing in common with Albus, so this kinship feels like a bit of a stretch to me?
Why Didn't They Go Back And Save — Gee, I Dunno — Half The Kids In The Battle Of Hogwarts??
Never not bitter about Colin Creevey until my last gasp on this earth.
And Seriously, For Real, Someone Needs To Tell Us — Is Lavender Brown Alive?
Many moons ago her death date was pulled from Pottermore, and fans have been floating conspiracy theories ever since. Alas, post-Cursed Child we are just as confused as ever.
What The Heck Was Neville Doing While Scorpius And Albus Turned Hogwarts Into Their Own Personal TARDIS?
Don't tell me that the OG Hogwarts Misfit wouldn't have immediately reached out to these two confused little potatoes, and tried to fix all their problems with the ~wonders of Herbology~.
Did Voldemort Know That He Had A Daughter?
I'm assuming yes? But also, I struggle to reconcile the idea of Voldemort we have in our heads with a Voldemort who'd be chill with having progeny. It seems like he would be too competitive to want an heir, especially after all of his well-documented Daddy Issues.
... Do We Know If Voldemort Really Had A Daughter?
Theories abound that Delphi just thought she was Voldemort's daughter, and that Bellatrix lied. Too bad Gilderoy Lockhart went bonkers, because I would totally watch him host the Wizarding version of Maury to get real down to the truth of this evil baby daddy drama.
So, Astoria Greengrass Died Of Some Heritable Blood Curse — Could Scorpius Have It, Too?
I WILL PROTECT HIM AT ALL COSTS HE CAN HAVE ALL MY BLOOD TAKE IT TAKE IT ALL.
Also, Blood Curses Are A Thing?
Def not covered in class on "Unforgivable Curses" day in DADA, just sayin'.
Is Draco Malfoy Just A Professional Ponytail Artist?
I mean, if I were as unemployed as Draco seems to be, my hair would probably be that fleek, too.
Did Professor McGonagall Chug A Bunch Of Unicorn Blood, Or ...?
Just trying to figure out mathematically and emotionally how she could possibly have taught three generations of Potters and still be kicking. But hey, if the Trolley Witch is semi-immortal, why not our good friend Minnie?
Why Did Albus Choose Slytherin?
It's implied when he yells at Harry in the first alternate timeline, "You can't make me go into Gryffindor! I'm Slytherin!" that Albus chose it for himself from the beginning. And while we can guess at a few reasons why he did it (#rebel without a cause), it's never explicitly explained.
Also, How The Flip Flap Paddy Wack Shoobity Doo Bop Doo Wop Is Scorpius Malfoy A Slytherin?
I'm sorry, but that boy is Ravenpuff AF, family tree be damned. If Sirius broke a line of Slytherins and got into Gryffindor, how on earth would literal cinnamon roll Scorpius not end up in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff?
Why Am I Weirdly And Unprecedentedly Attracted To Draco Malfoy?!
I basically led the "stop romanticizing bad boy Draco Malfoy" club all through my teen years, but 25-year-old me's heart is beating in all the wrong places right now. He's such a good dad. HELP.
... Also, Why Am I Slightly Shipping Ginny And Draco?
That moment where she's like "same" re: Draco feeling left out all through school, I was like, Huh. But then the "huh" never went away. Think about it: they were both used as instruments for Voldy against his will, are both clearly very sensitive, both united by left out-ness ... and this version of Draco is actually worthy of a woman like Ginny, if we're accepting his reformed self as canon. In the meantime, Harry's still kind of benching her and not being super great with this whole co-parenting thing (just saying).
WHO IS CRAIG BOWKER SENIOR?!
Craig Bowker Jr. is officially the weirdest enigma in this entire franchise, and by proxy, so are his parents. I NEED ANSWERS.
What Percentage Do We Actually Believe J.K. Rowling When She Claims She's Officially Done Writing For This Series?
Like, how done? "I'm killing your dreams of a Marauders sequel" done? Or "Done for the next 10 years until I feel like tearing out your heartstrings again" done? I need exact clarification before I can start sleeping again at night, please.
Harry Potter and the Cursed Child: Parts One & Two (Special Rehearsal Edition Script), $17.99, Amazon
Images: Giphy; Warner Bros; Courtesy of Harry Potter the Play